Friday, December 9, 2016

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to , the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seuzure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My data I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Tonight

The fit bit - you may have heard of the trendy device , it reads your heart rate , tells you sleep patterns and your excersise steps . Seems trivial but let me tell you how it saves my life every day .
Even better how it did just moments ago . I sat up in my bed , I began to feel sick , my heart rate was 85 a little high for laying in bed at 11 it's usually 65. I began to feel warm I couldn't breathe . I began to panick , panick because I couldn't breathe . I looked down at my fit bit it read 130 as my heart raced through my chest , and of course it was blinking I needed to charge it , fantastic right now !
I felt like I was going to be sick ! I got up turned the heater off , grabbed water and took heart medicine to slow my heart rate . I threw my fit bit on the charger for a moment and my heart raced harder . I knew I was going to die . I scrambled to find my phone to call 911 . I couldn't find it any where . I put my fit bit back on to only watch my heart climb one beat per minute more and more with each breath . I was crying , I knew at that moment there was nothing I could do , where was my phone ? I knew I was having a seizure . Every moment I live with my phone on me and now it's gone

With in 15 minutes of crying I saw my heart rate finally decline , I felt like I had the worst flu of my life and I feel lucky to be alive every time . Thank god I found this fit bit , that can tell me my heart rate when to take my medicine and when I may be having a seizure . If anyone you know has seizures but one it could save them too

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Emergency Room

It's cold in here and I thank the Lord for cell phones to help the 4 hour wait . I'm surrounded by the hurt and the sick here at Lima Linda ER . No need to be alarmed . I've had this horrible pain in my ear for a month with no sign of infection it has gone into my eye and neck . The urgent care Dr sent me here . With all the issues from my accident from my brain and my back I sit here and wait to make sure I'm ok . Usually it's something , today I pray it's nothing .

Today is a great time to write about humanity . I'm reminded every day as I watch hate spread like wild fire through social media in this election and people believe it's justified , the bullying on school campuses , or even the de humanization of woman .

It's funny to think I was talking with a gentleman who is in the navy he seemed nice , he asked me on a date , promised he was not like other guys he was looking for a relationship , then in the same breath he asked if he could go down on me . I was so disappointed in this guy . I erased him from existence and cried alone in my bed . Over him ? No . Over the fact that why can't we be treated as mere humans as people . Much less a woman . Made me sad .

What does it take to grow empathy and compassion in our communities ? What as leaders or parents can we do to practice this in our homes and work places ?

I challenge all of you to practice integrity today . Stop turning your back on what is right .

-Agent Orange

Friday, October 28, 2016

Protect Your Happiness

It's Friday morning , I woke up with this pounding headache , I quickly made coffee and it's slowly subsiding . I tend to write on here only when I found something life changing to share , like you I don't like to waste my time reading boring rants . We're all human I think many of us struggle with the same obsticals . This morning I received a voice mail from an old friend this voicemail encouraged me to write this blog .

I'm going to change gears for a moment , on social media we see quotes and some are meant to inspire some are meant to quickly scroll past with out any further thought . A few weeks ago I saw a post that said protect your happiness . This was so profound to me because this is the one thing I did not do . I put everyone before me and regardless of how it hurts me my friends needs go first even if their toxic or just takers . I needed to learn the word no and to protect my happiness and my heart .


So let's get back to the voice mail . I had dated someone who then disappeared and then kept popping in and out of my life . It happens we all have those people I suppose , but this one would call drunk and be horribly mean and rude blame me for his problems in life . I felt Aweful for him I would just be there and then he left every time he got a new girl friend .

To me this wasn't a very good friend at all . After a few years of this , I deleted him from my life , guess who left a message this morning ? Yes . Blaming me for ending our friendship and drunk  again?

This blog isn't about men or dating . This is just an example , so don't get me wrong it's about protecting your happiness and your heart in any situation . Jobs , friendships , relationships , know your worth . You are more than this and the right people will get your love .

-Agent Orange



Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Control

It's 12:42 am . I'm up for a reason and I never write about me impartially but tonight I want to share something important . I have no idea how to gather my thoughts in order so please forgive me . It's dark in my room and I'm alone . I like to think I have control over my day , my attitude , and my outcomes . But I learned the hard way we can't control everything . This is not a statement on me as a victim , this is one thing I am not
But to help others aware of what many people go through . 

And right now I never felt so alone . When I was 12 I was in an accident where I almost died . I was riding a horse that went out of control , I almost flew through the windshield of a car but instead my head was smashed on a huge rock . Slamming my brain so hard it bled . 

When I was 28 I began to feel like I was having heart attacks , no one knew what was wrong , Dr 's mocked me told me I was lying , making it up . Night after night rushing to hospital I was laughed at . 

Finally I saw a neurologist out of La Jolla who did a brain scan and I found out I was having seizures . Partial seizures . They control your nervous system , especially your heart . Not to mention they cause the fear of death . I began my journey on horrible medicines like topamax that cause memory loss . 

You know how many times I lost my way home ? Lost my words ? I couldn't drink either anymore . I mean it's fine I did my partying well enough up to this point but I became the boring friend . What was happening to me I had no control over 

There is not a soul who can understand what I go through , so I'll fast forward to tonight . 

I woke up out of a dead sleep my heart pounding , my body shaking and everything in you tells you , this time I'm going to die . It's not a maybe it's a fact 

So I begin to cry . I'm alone in my bed literally knowing this is it . It's a nightmare after 15 min it passes and I'm ok .  

What I go through seems like a tragedy over and over again. Not one friend not one person from work , gets it . Have you ever felt that way ? 

It's 1 am I'm alone writing this blog and no one in the world gets what I go through . Am I a victim ? No . I'm a fighter . So are you . I can't control what I have it's the left over damage caused by a terrible accident . And I lay here wishing I didn't have to fight anymore . How much more can I take ? 

I wrote this so people can have a better understanding and love for what others go through . Everything isn't what it always seems , people go through stuff it hurts and sometimes there all alone . 

What ever it may be , have compassion for others . Let them in .

-Agent Orange 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

When is it worth it

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 
This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange 

Saturday, July 30, 2016

No Dating

So I'm trying to find decent music so my blog can flow , Deftones isn't cutting it . Perhaps the Killers will do tonight . 

My blogs are always honest and its me on paper . I think this is the only place my gaurd is down . Hopefully I can help someone out there . So it's 10:15 pm and the Killers are playing by head phones , ( guess what , they suck right now to ) hold on while I change this . 

Ok The Used - poetic tragedy . Puts me at ease . Are you ready ? I wanted to talk about dating . Honestly I hate it . With all my heart and soul and guts and anything else I can throw in the dating blender . 

I'll tell you why . You can tell me if you relate . 
1. Am I pretty enough ? Is my outfit right?
Will he like me ? 
2. Did I do ok ? Was I pretty enough ? Will he kiss me ? Do I care ? Will he call again ? 
3. Why is he ignoring me ? Why is he needy ? No I don't want to be your girlfriend this fast . Can I find someone interested in me ? I write , would you even read it ? 

So stressful . I never was too interested in a relationship . I like being single . Single girls are considered whores . Yes I been called a slut and a whore . 

So here is where it gets almost so funny 
Why is a girl a whore because she doesn't want a boyfriend ? Because I date ? Sorry to be disgraceful but I'm not opening legs , for every guy I go out with 
And I think my real exciting life of work and Raigan gives me no time to see anyone . 

So what is one to do ? What is the point of this blog ? I'll tell you . 

2 years ago I loved truly for the first time 
I met him and that was it . I never believe this love existed or that I could ever even feel this way . 

I truly believed he was the one . Even though we parted , I have the standard of finding this again , and to never settle for less , so what is it you ask is the answer 

I'll tell you , I'm not a hopeless romantic 
The right person will feel right , they will read my writing , they will want to know me . 

And we will be friends . When he calls me beautiful it will be because he knows me and earned it .  

We will hang out and have fun , it will be seamless , it will just happen . He won't find me , we will find each other . 

No I don't want to date , I want us to hop in my car , and see where it leads us . 

Because life is passion and if it's not don't waste your time . I don't . I'm constantly moving in and out , weaving through seams of people . 

Because I'm a whore ? Because I'm emotionally unavailable ? No . 

That's where there all wrong . You see and that's ok . 

I'm looking for the Lightning . And if it's going to be , then we will grasp fingers and not be able to let go . 

Cheers to new adventures and one day find love again . 

- Agent Orange 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Eyes of Your Enemies

Listening to Sleep - Azure Ra . Raigan is safely sleeping under my arm . It's 10:30 pm . The one thing I need to reach out to you with my own broken fingers is an intamate message to all of you . 

Why enemies aren't really enemies and why I will make this blog understandable. 

I'm sure we have all encountered a horrible cheating person , a liar , someone who is angry or bullies you , someone who talks bad about you to skew others perception wrongly . Your thinking hmmm Amy these are bad people , sometimes the harsh black and white of life is grey ...... 

Let me explain while you stream some music . Ready ? 

Remember my last blog on perception and how some people are a little handicap in seeing past there own selves to really hear you . 

Let's break this down , most people who are tyrants are in pain , or they are projecting their own issues on you . 

The miserable person in their personal life may be so insecure they tear you down maliciously . They hate your joy , your light , your selflessness . 

Story time : believe me I have hundreds 
I knew a guy who was so evil to me you wouldn't believe how evil if I told you . 

I also knew it wasn't me . He was depressed , angry , alcoholic . For some reason he was or acted most hateful to me . I didn't know why . 

The one thing we have to remember is we can't control or change anyone . 

Back to this guy , I'll call him John . 
John made my life hell every day . But I wanted to see the good in John , somewhere in life he was robbed , hurt and here he was . 

Although I didn't need to be his friend or let him walk on me I never changed who I was in spite of his anger or rage . 

One day he got himself into a very bad place , he was drunk and police came to take his kids . He was in a public place . 

John hit rock bottom , I knew he loved his girls . I called him the next day offered my help . After that day there was a profound change in how he treated me 

We became great friends and still friends for over 5 years . This didn't happen because I deserved a pat on the back or did anything great , I treated him like a person , with love and with out judgement . I learned the biggest blessing of all why God says to love our enemies . We began to love one another 

What shoes do they walk in on there journey ? We don't know . 

There will always be people who aren't what we thought , or loved us how we wanted them too , but don't become them in the process . 

Look at your enemy as a child standing in front of you , the small child looks different now . Love your enemies . 

Don't become one yourself . Let them talk , let them leave . It's not easy , but don't become what they expect you to be . 

Don't lose your light . Because darkness has never become light with more darkness . Only light can dissipate darkness . And what a blessing some of these friendships have become . 

Story 2- I had this guy 10 years ago call me horrific names every day . I had no idea why . He tore me apart , my looks my character everything I was . 

One day he pulled me aside and began to cry . He apologized for what he had done wrong . Said he really loved me but didn't know how to act . I was dumb founded . Not only did I become friends with him but his entire family . I was even at his dad's funeral . 

Am I saying to put up with abuse ? No 
What I'm saying is life never is as it seems 

Always believe in yourself be a safe place for others . Never lose your light . 

Cling on to what is good , get rid of the rest . 

- Agent Orange 

Friday, July 22, 2016

Eyes

It's 8:40 am - I would give anything to be in Carlsbad right now over looking the ocean . Wouldn't you ? There's a restraunt there called Kings Fish House there is nothing better . 

As for now I sit in my mini writing to you, music streaming . If anyone wants to save me , please do . 

I was thinking a lot about how we veiw others , how others perceive us and how perception becomes a reality . Not yours but maybe your audience in whole . 

This isn't about me it's about us . I think it's accumulative knowledge that we see others based upon how we see the world most importantly how we are . 

It's seems simple , but we are not aware of this pattern of thinking , this is how it gets complicated . 

Let me take you some where . Your sitting in a beautiful house , over looking a vast ocean . You sit and watch for hours . Never taking your eyes off the sun rise , the waves , breathing in the salty air 

It's what we see and it's our reality . 
What happens if you walked to the back and viewed through a different window ?

You see something different ? Experience something different ? Your view has changed . 

We judge people based on their appearance , right ? Nothing frustrates me more than not being taken seriously because of blonde hair and tattoos . 

I'm edgy , I'm immature , I am shallow . 
What ever the case may be I lose my voice . People lose there voices every day due to judgement or someone's false perception of you based on their way of thinking . 

Can you control this ? No . Do I really care what others think or if they like me 
No . I'm me , if someone doesn't want to take the time to hear me or see me that's their loss . 

But being viewed based on perception 
Is something that can make you lose on good relationships . Stepping outside of your box and thinking differently , it's a way to read other people stories , based on their experience , not yours . 

So what's the point of this blog ? 
To see others based on them not you 
Talk to people , learn more about others 

Most of all love your enemies . I've learned the most from being selfless and loving those who have wronged you . 

Look out a different window today . 

Carpe Diem 

- Agent Orange 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Perception

Foo fighters ever long streams through my car this morning , I'm an hour early for work . I wait alone here in the parking lot . This month has been hard , working 6 days a week , takes a toll on you . I find myself thinking when will my big break come . Yes , there are none in life , but maybe just one . I suppose I've had a few in my life , maybe I didn't take them when I should've . I don't regret the winded path it's led me on to where I sit in this car that hardly works but is fighting til the end much like myself - 

So here this story goes , why is happiness a perception . 

And how Amy can we change our perceptions ? Good question . 

Every morning I leave Starbucks I see a homeless man sitting in his car . Rusted and blue missing all its paint . The man is worn from life's regrets , he is dirty and tired . But none of that matters when he is sitting in front of Starbucks every morning . Why you are wondering ..... 

There he sits , coffee and old cell phone in hand waving it around trying to catch the free wifi Starbucks offers from his car 
You can see the joy on the mans face 

A peaceful moment . 

Us Americans , we find happiness in plastic surgery or expensive cars . We set goals to become rich and to attain wealth 
When it's not achieved people commit suicide . 

Perception . 

I once did financial advising , home loans 
I had a man call me , he was sobbing , he had lost everything . He killed himself on the phone . My job as an advisor a counselor , to consol him at that moment was to tell him things will get better . 

His perception that all his happiness was in his things . 

Third world countries rely on just finding food and water as a daily goal . They have no understanding what a selfie is or fake lips or boobs or eating disorders . 

Yet we bullie and harass one another on appearance because we are not happy within ourselves . 

What's your perception ? Is it keeping you from the big picture ? 

If we generated happiness into giving 
And loving , instead of into things or ideas then happiness would become tangible . 

Not just a perceived idea of what is mine what I need what you need keeps us divided . 1 out 3 Americans are on medication for depression . 1 out of 5 suffer from obesity . This is an internal problem . 

Where is our joy ? 

My best moments in life are from family and friends , from great leaders lending a helping hand or people showing unconditional love . 

Don't base your happiness on 1 thing . 
Yes set goals of course . Strive to be your best , be successful . 

But don't make it your identity . 

Be you . Be different . Smile . 

Agent Orange 

Saturday, June 4, 2016

When Your Fallen

There's those times when we seem like giving up on hope and faith , when things get dark and shadows close in . Just remember not to forget where you came from , the battles you faced and won , the roads you walked alone , and around the bend victory is waiting . Because the ones who walk away weren't meant to strive with you and the ones who make it will die with you and those are the ones who matter most . 

Take heart - 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Amy Bible

If someone could just of told me sooner . 


That - 

It's alright to eat cake with your fingers in the car , and it's not alright to let anyone's opinion dictate who you are , and never let anyone talk down to you , further more never devalue yourself because every single thing you do comes from the power of your own mind , so love yourself and believe in your self you are in control of your own success . Do not be your worst enemy the world is full of evil people already . And love your enemies , not for them for you . Love unconditionally do not expect return . Life is not black and white when someone walks away it's probably because of that grey area so relax the answer will come in due time and trust me it always does in this case follow your heart . 

True love only happens once , if you have not experienced it keep your eyes and heart open , if your not sure you have then you haven't , 

Always stay calm . Never involve yourself with people who are toxic . Remember to love whole . Never give your self easily . 

Never become dependent on anything it will kill you . That is just a fact . Or kill the best part of you . 

God is real give him control of your life . 
Then you don't have to worry about controlling it . Cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest . And friends who are easily swayed are not your friends . 

Never compare yourself to others . You are never going to be a model but it doesn't mean he doesn't think your not beautiful . 

Be healthy we live once . 
Do not let your fear of anything drive you like I said we live once . Crush your fears 
Fear is just a lie . 

Leave a bad marriage if it's un fixable true love is out there . Once again we only live once . Sorry it's true . 

Live in joy and be thankful , love your friends and no matter what your truth is never lie . 

Nothing is more important than your kids 
Chase nothing . 2 people should come together , 

Listen to music , set daily goals and always be moving forward . Life is a beautiful journey live it . And love the journey . Good or bad . You learn every step of the way . 

Plug your ears to na Sayers - 

Love with all your heart - 

Agent Orange 

Monday, May 23, 2016

Number On My Back

It's late the day has run stale I'm listening to AFI in bed and I'm writing to you about the number system - 

I mean it goes something like this , 
Last night was amazing , we been seeing each other for a few months now and we connect . For some reason he disappeared ? Never to be heard from again ? 

I call this the number system , like a tagged and numbered human ready for the slaughter . Doesn't mean you slept with them , maybe you did , maybe you didn't . My point is , the number system works when your left questioning in the end . 

Now the number system is NOT - ok when you have a one night stand or two night stand of great sex and great connection knowing it's just that . 

So I want this blog to cover all aspects of what is ready for slaughter and what you indeed tagged your self " ladies." 

Pardon me while I clear my throat but it's true . So let's remove those Scarlett's letters and get down to the dirty truth . 

Example A.
You have a unicorn he isn't the settling type , you know this - DO NOT shake your head at me , you have the best sex of your life , he's amazing , he's a god , 
Yes he is , but we know coming in what he is . You can't change him and then be mad you didn't change him . Or be sad he does not text or call / 

All you can do move on . Or maybe have another night of fun . 

You were tagged you are just a number this is the number system . You can't be mad but it is what it is . 

Example B. 

You date someone a few months and things are perfect . So it seems . You talk all day , things seem great then one day he is gone . Maybe you met his friends and family . Your left with the burning question , what did I do wrong ? 

Your Prince Charming has vanished you feel like a foolish girl . 

We're you tagged for the kill ? Maybe , maybe not . 

Google seems to have an answer for everything . But I think I have the better answer . 

All in all some men are bad at communicating , some or most can be cowards . Not ready to commit . Maybe there scared , immature , maybe they have issues , but someone who walks away do they deserve you ? 

Your hear left alone to find someone else that does not bother them because at the moment they are more important than you . Last time I looked I was very important to myself . So why would I choose  someone who does not put me first or any where at all ? 

You only deserve the best . People should be chasing each other , being there through the very best and the very worst . 

So how do we become from being another number ? Giving ourself for nothing ? 

I don't have the answer . But don't become bitter or angry or you will start writing numbers - and you are not that person or you wouldn't be reading this now . 

Make sense 

Agent Orange 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Disappointment

It's 6 am I'm warm in my bed and about to get up for my day . Today I want to talk about trust and disappointment . 

How many times do we put our trust in someone because they promise they will be careful with our hearts ? Those quiet careful egg shell steps we take and we decide to give it a shot , then in one moment with out warning they disappear like you never mattered at all , maybe you have someone who cheated or lied . 

Your plagued with disappointment , and confusion . 

What is their to do ? You think why ? 
The one thing I think we need to do is take a long hard look in our own mirror . 

You say Amy that makes no sense , it wasn't our fault . True , I agree . But is there a such thing as all of the sudden ? 

Maybe we need to chose more carefully . 
Maybe they weren't treating that great ,
Maybe they were but they had a lot of personal issues . We tend to ignore those issues because they told us , " trust me."

Then the worst happens . I can tell you three things , I know we sit in shock and pain , lose sleep and wonder . But if you remember these three things I promise it will help 

1. They did you a favor . 
Do you want to be with someone who cares so little about you they can't say good bye ? No explanation at all . 
Someone who is a coward who cheated and ruined your trust ? 
Is that the kind of life you deserve ? No 

2. Love yourself . I know we sit and think where we went wrong . But it's not you it's them . If there was an issue with you they wouldn't leave or cheat , they would recognize that you matter and they would communicate with you . 

3. Keep your focus on your daily goals 
Nothing will feel better or keep you moving forward like achieving what your meant to do . Be positive and the right person will come along . 

I'm sorry someone tried to break you , 
That just means they were broken themselves . Don't ignore the signs next time , most importantly keep your chin up 

It's their loss any way - 

Agent Orange 

Thursday, May 12, 2016

How to Master the Impossible

Laying in bed streaming Foo Fighters - Ever long . Raigan is sleeping effortless next to me , I'm writing to share some news . 
This past month I had to reach a certain goal , almost unattainable , like most goals we need to write them down , make a daily plan and never stop fighting until you reach it . 
I wrote down my daily goal and hit it every day . In fighting for this goal so hard , there was no room for error . 

How did I achieve it ? I want to share it with you right now . 
I realized A. Filter out anything toxic . In doing this I realized some of the people I cared about the most were the ones holding me back .

How did I realize this ? When you focus on a goal and strive for it with everything you can't let negativity in your head . 
Or you will fail . Remember water can't sink a boat unless you let it in . 
You have to put on the virtual head phones and believe in yourself . 

You can win !!!! While on lookers can tell you , you will never make it . Drop them from your life and keep going . All you need is cheer leaders . 

B.  The more you do this , you will create positive energy and positive people . I had amazing people surround me and help me win my goal . Pretty soon it's all you see is the good . Nothing bad will be in your focus or camera . 

C. Then comes joy . What a concept . How many of you feel deafeted , sad , 
Depressed ?????
You need to clean your lense like I said and you will find a new joy and strength . 

D. God - putting my faith in him letting him be in control is #1. When you feel alone he is always their to guide you .

So please don't wait for tomorrow start your journey today . 

Thank you to all my friends - 

Agent Orange 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Doing The Impossible

Hitler had thousands of followers to murder innocent people . Jesus had 12 disciples to do good . 

What a powerful message to think about. Daunting isn't it ? How many times does that toxic person come to you and say something negative to you and tries to back it up by saying so and so agrees or maybe your bullied by a group of individuals and you let it get you down . You think it must be true because it's them against you ? 

Not the case . 

Here is another example - the owner of Starbucks was turned down 34 times before he was accepted now look at his business . 

Or maybe a room full of models and the simple girl in the corner stands out the most beautiful ? 

My point is never ever lose faith in who you are , always be you . People work for the dreamers , because they are the ones who made it happen . Don't let miserable people tarnish your shine . 

Hold your light high . No one can say you can't . 

Agent Orange 

Friday, April 29, 2016

1+1=3

Have you ever heard of the term 1 + 1 =3 

What does it mean you ask ? 
When your on a path no matter where your at . Even if your not where you want to be , you have to set goals , change your mind set . It's funny because when you do this you create a new path a new energy and new people in your life ! 

To think is to create !!!! As you set goals and do better and meet cool new people do you find that some people who are close to you shut you down and as you take one step forward they tell you to keep one foot back ? 

This I call the ostrich effect . Why ? Because they have there heads in a hole. 
You are out making things happen right ? 
And when your energy is changing and things are going well , they are sitting back saying no , no . They call them selves friends . Well those well intention well wishers have become a black whole to your new energy !!! That you have created !!!! 

  • Be clear about what you want.Live your purpose.
  • Shift your mindset. Attract what you want.
  • Create a support system.Surround yourself with great people.

When you get clear about what you want, you can develop the mindset to manifest it. Start directing your energy towards creating the life of your dreams!


Remember if your friends don't see the shift then steer clear of their negativity , Your on a roll now , you need cheer leaders , so go on and remember the best moments in life happen unexpectedly , when your open to change and your happy and moving forward . 

Don't ever look back when going forward we all fall just brush it off and keep going and leave those birds with their heads in the ground !!! 


Agent Orange 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Life As I Know It

I dream every day of a certain life . Do you ? What if ? Right ? I have my dreams laid out on blue prints . I day dream about being able to go to Sea Port Village on a rainy day and sitting in the book store writing as I watch the ocean . 
I also dream about living in a simple house on the beach . What more could I need ? I also dream about racing cars and owning a business . Wouldn't this be my perfect life ??? 

For me it would . But what if the destiny we dream of isn't our destiny at all ? 

What if our path changed tonight or tomorrow and everything we ever dreamed of changed ? 

Possibilities in life are endless - never keep your eyes closed . Always except new invitations to life , go with the ride 

Carpe Diem 

Agent Orange 

Friday, April 8, 2016

New News

I have not connected on here for a while and this was my dearest friend so here I am tonight - hold on while I find the perfect music , because we know this is most important .... 

Yellow card wins - How I go . Quite fitting 
The past few months , has been really strange for me , being these blogs are about setting goals and stepping out side of the box to accomplish something different . 

This year I set goals and accomplished almost all of them but 2. So something needs to change -now . Do you feel this way ? 
You work what works , and change what does not . I'm more than what my life is right now . I know this , so I need to become what I am . Make sense ? 

I am blessed I have wonderful friends that I've had for years . I urge you guys to start a thank you journal . Start small it opens you up to what you actually have instead of what you don't . Every day you write what your thankful for . It's amazing how your outlook changes . Go buy a journal keep it in your car . You don't believe me ? Try it . 

I urge every one to step out of your comfort zone . 

-Agent Orange 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Resolution

It's a half hour before work , I'm sitting in my car and I need to write to you this morning so here it goes . This week in 7 days I've heard from every ex boyfriend I've had from 18 years old up to my last boyfriend from a few months ago . This has been a strange phenomenon.  My friend Kristy told maybe there is a door that hasn't been closed . Maybe , there is something to that . 

I write this blog because I've learned a whole lot of lessons . Being a rape victim as a young girl I spent most of my teen years on meth trying to not feel much of anything and as far as emotions I had a no vacancy sign hanging around my neck for most of my life . 

I was good at saving you but not myself . As long as I was saving you , I was ok . But I was mostly jumping ship from one person to the next , never letting anyone close to me . So mostly the guys I adore are the same way . That is ok with me because I understand them . We have pain . 

Like one of my best friends said , Sarah , " Amy you always have your toes in many ponds ." This is true . 

There has been only one person who has captured my attention . 

One day 5 years ago God healed me of all of this . But is it still hard . Yes . Do I do drugs of course not . 

Do I want to be alone ? No . But I am . I'm guessing without knowing I'm still carrying that sign . But I don't want to . 

I've thought a lot about this , the past few months and this week . I want to be emotionally available . 

But how ? That's the next chapter 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Addict

Grasping at tourniquets 
There is nothing stopping the heroine 
Decaying the heart 
One day at a time you see 
No pain killers 
I watch every tear attempt to escape 
But there is nothing 

I lose you again with every song 
I lose you again every time I fall asleep 

I lose you 

Tell me our story again 
I can't make it end 
So I re write it over and over 

To get my fix again / 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

What's your Dream

I suppose as I lay here in my bed , under piles of blankets fighting off today's wrinkled faces and disasters and triumphs . I gained some things and lost others . Tori Amos ( The Red Baron ) plays aloud this time from my new iPhone 6 as I write .

The subject is the greatest wish -
What is your greatest wish ? A vacation ? A car perhaps ? To heal of some sort of deadly disease ?
Mine I've found to be quite simple but yet unattainable .

To love and be loved . Not the kind from family or children . But unconditional love from a man . I don't know what that means to have a best friend that's loyal who won't leave . Who wants to know me , who I can travel with . You know that guy . I see marriages taken for granted , people sleeping on couches , while The single moms out there go to bed with out any one really caring about how our day really went . Imagine that .

I can write a poem about loss , and revenge and fairy tales ........

It seems simple right . For all of us , I work 14 hours a day I'm not out looking , maybe something's aren't meant to be

- Agent orange

Friday, January 29, 2016

Butterfly Effect


Some words when spoken can't be taken back , walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking futures  above ,  but in the past he's slow and sinking ....- Pearl Jam

This blog is a little different than most . It's half past midnight , and this subject has been buzzing around to push my pen for weeks . Sometimes I can't locate my thoughts to map them out eloquently on paper , but I'll do my very best tonight .

As a Christian God blesses us with gifts . In the bible it states these gifts . Most people are blessed with certain gifts . I suppose if you don't believe in God or the Bible what I'm about to say may seem crazy but I'll tell you it's true . God blessed me with words of knowledge and discernment . Meaning I will know things about certain people so I can pray for them or help them in some way . Some times there strangers . I'll go to them tell them God asked me to pray for them for something they will be amazed I know something that only they know . But that's how God works . We are his messengers sometimes .
Lately I been wondering why I have this gift . It's been something that's been happening daily . I prayed , God gave me an answer , I wanted to share .


Every day we see people on the surface , we judge their intentions . We are quick to hate , to push away , build walls , and not help . I see it all day long . How many times do we hear he's a loser , fat , poor , drug addict , user , broke , ugly , who're , bad parent , stupid , idiot , list goes on . Right ?

We refuse to see the story or let's just go beyond that - how about let's try love . People are so full of their own pain and bitterness they just don't care about other people's pain .

Let me give you an example : there was a homeless boy , a group of people said lets help the boy , a woman stated , " no ! Why should I !, he's probably on drugs !"

Ummmm , I remember last none of us are without sin . Not her , not me , not you .
Jesus loved the murders , adulters , the sick , he loved us all .

I know I have this gift so I can see the hearts of people to learn to love unconditionally . Without reservation . Am I saying to be in an abusive relationship ? No . Or put yourself in a bad situation ? No .
What I'm saying is to love , unconditionally , your sin is not different then theirs . Guess what saved you ? Love . What will save them ? Love !!!!!!!

So before you call someone a loser -
Fat
Idiot
Stupid

Why don't you love them instead .

- Agent Orange

Friday, January 1, 2016

Why Love is Most Important

The day was long and cold , you know what I mean by cold , not the weather ... 

I wanted to write to you today , to share something important , to drill a hole in your brains and into your hearts and hopefully your soul . 

Tori Amos is streaming through my iPhone listening to , Not The Red Baron . 

I'm laying in my bed , and wondering how to craft these words carefully . 

We live in this dating world , we date and if something doesn't seem right sometimes we block the person and Bamb there gone . Technology has taught us to be inhuman . We're so used to being used and hurt . We have expectations so high that the prince of Dubia couldn't fo fill your wishes . 

Sometimes yes , we do need to lose a bad person here or their . But this message isn't about that , it's about listening to your instincts not your friends!

There's something that does or doesn't happen when 2 people meet . Love could happen in a day or a moment .

Who could know this but the two people involved ? On the flip side this is most important , just because something dosent work out , it dosent mean you can't be friends . Who do I need to take account to for that ??????? 

We take things so fucking personal when things don't work out , you throw people away liked used rags . 

I see everyone do it . But guess what it's not always about you , or you , or even you . Some people are fighting demons and battles and their good people . 

So be there for them , love them , be there friend . God says to love . Sometimes people need you , need compassion , need God . 

Look into people's hearts , I've met so many people this past year . Just because they weren't for me or it didn't work out , dosent mean they were not a gift in some way . 

Start looking to people as humans ! Treat them with love and kindness even if they can't !!! 

Sometimes we need that . 

- Agent Orange