I'm deeply bothered today . I think about how I was never , I mean never ever was the girl looking for love . Just wanted a career . Went to college and that was that .
I don't know how to write this blog in terms of getting across my point .....
I went through a series of relationships some or most amazing some bad .
I call it a numbers game . Some good some bad .....
I've seen it all - done it all .
I was emotionally un available and no one was getting in . I didn't care .I hurt people some hurt me .
Fast forward to a bad divorce of an abusive person , broke my spirit . I then said - God I'm taking 3 years no dating no talking to men so I can heal and put you first not my pain .
I did just that . Last year I met an amazing man . Love at first sight it was everything I never ever thought existed .
He was my best friend . It was just about that . For the first time I became available
My heart was open . For the very first time I loved .
Under honourable circumstances it didn't work out . That story isn't important .
But at 36 it made me wonder can this exist again ?
I started dating for about 6 months .
All situations different .
Then I meet someone and I'm scared .
Not because I think this guys a player ,
Or he's going to leave .
The fear comes from being " available "
Did you ever listen to the song secret garden I think by Bruce Springsteen ?
You can use a vice go a million miles but still you can't get to her secret garden she hides .
What happens when that person makes it in and you realise how ?
This person has the power to hurt me ?
Before I could digest it - he left .
I'm sitting here at ground zero .
All I can think is hear no evil , speak no evil , see no evil .
This is profound to me at this moment
Losing something special I can't get back
I realise I need to trust God with my heart not man . Believe in God first is the lesson I learned .
I have a lot of love to give - God changed my heart over those 3 years . Now I have to trust in him .
So I don't lose important things . I urge every one to do the same