Sunday, December 27, 2015
Value
Sunday, December 13, 2015
From 313
Thursday, December 3, 2015
The Way Things Go
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Fate
Thursday, November 5, 2015
They Asked
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
The Plan
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Picky Dating - EH
The ‘Picky Problem’ in Dating: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life
In this latest blog, licensed psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers addresses all of you super picky daters out there! Could this just be an excuse you are creating to not find love? Hmm…
I’ve heard it said a million times before: “I’m really picky.”
The subject, of course, is pickiness in dating, and countless men and women tell themselves they can’t find a mate because they’re just too picky. But before we go further, we need to pump the breaks: There is healthy picky and unhealthy picky. Briefly, I’ll define both so there’s no confusion, and you can use the information to make sure you’re on the right romantic path.
Healthy Picky: You’re careful about who you get involved with, taking things slowly in the beginning, not moving into the bedroom too quickly, and remaining on guard for a couple months or so until you have a sense of who this new person really is. In between relationships, you take some time off and reflect on why the last relationship didn’t work, and after a while you resolve those issues and begin a fresh relationship with someone new.
Extremely Picky: Deep down, you want to be with someone but can’t seem to find the right fit. You spend more time being single than in relationships, and you have a habit of finding a range of faults in prospective dates. You sometimes focus on little things which end up causing the demise of the relationship, and you tell yourself you have a hard time meeting the right one for you because you’re just so…picky.
The Fear Factor: It goes without saying that it’s not so great if you fall into the extremely picky camp. What’s underneath unhealthy pickiness? What causes someone to be so picky and overly discerning? In one word: Fear. Extreme pickiness is a giant blob of defense mechanisms with an underlying fear of a real long-term romantic relationship. Underneath it all, people who are extremely picky are afraid to depend on someone for fear of getting hurt. They’re often afraid of being seen for who they really are or having someone they date see flaws or weaknesses in them.
For most people, they wade into relationships with the usual caution, knowing they might get hurt and that they will be seen in all their glory — flaws and all. Nevertheless, the possibility that the relationship could be a good and comforting one makes it worth the risk. For people who are unhealthily picky, on the other hand, the possibility of a long-term relationship does the opposite of soothing them: It actually stresses them out! A lot!
If you are someone who is extremely picky, it means that you (unconsciously) work hard to find faults with prospective partners as a means of self-protection. It makes sense, too, in a twisted kind of way: If you find enough faults to decide so-and-so is not the right match for you, eventually you can put off everyone and will never have to actually face the stress of a long-term relationship. Why? Because you’ll always manage to push all the prospective partners away!
The Good News: I’m happy to reassure you that extremely picky daters can change if they want to do so. The first step is to admit the problem, and it’s not that you’re “picky.” The real problem is that you’re afraid.
How to Solve the Picky Problem:
- Once you can be honest with yourself about your fear of what a long-term relationship could bring, write down the reasons why you might be more afraid of relationships than the average person. Is your extreme pickiness related to the family you grew up in where there was a lot of fighting or where a parent left? Is it because you were made fun of in school, and have always carried a little insecurity with you as a result? Is it because a previous boyfriend or girlfriend really hurt you in the past? Figure out what your reasons are and write them down.
- Next, tell a couple of your closest friends about your epiphany, and tell them to point it out to you whenever you start getting negative or finding fault with a prospective date. Your friends are there to help support you, and it’s important to practice being vulnerable with people you trust. If the relationship is a good one — whether it’s friendship, romance, whatever — you can be vulnerable with the other person and won’t face any negative consequences for letting your guards down.
- Finally, make a rule for yourself where you won’t decide if you really like someone until you’ve had at least three or four dates with a person. By giving your dates more of a chance, you will also find that you start judging others less and actually like the process of dating more!
No one believes in the power to change to more than a psychotherapist, and I watch people change every day in my office. My heart goes out to those men and women who have spent years being extremely picky — aka too afraid — because I believe they have missed out on a lot of the comfort that can come with a long-term relationship. Once you find someone you’re compatible with, you actually create a new family. Ultimately, there is nothing more beautiful than having the power to create a new family from scratch.
Learn more about Dr. Seth Meyers and his book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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Thursday, October 8, 2015
Secret to Success
Saturday, September 26, 2015
The Love Project - book
Hey kid
I've got a ride for you
They say your brain is a comic book tattoo
And you'll never be anything
"What will you do with your life"
Oh, that's all you hear
From noon till night
Take a trip on a rocket ship baby
Where the sea is the sky
I know the guy who runs the place
And he's out of sight
Flying Duchman
Are you out there?
Flying Duchman
Are you out there?
Flying Duchman
Straight suits
They don't understand
She tried that one with the alligator boots
Read more: Tori Amos - Flying Duchman
Friday, September 25, 2015
Goal Post
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
How Does It Grow
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now- Once Lyrics
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Unrequited
Friday, August 28, 2015
Regretting A Break Up
Have you ever stayed friends with an ex?
My friend Nora and I were talking recently about a man she had been in a relationship with over 6 years ago and stayed friends with. In fact they are almost best friends.
Nora recently moved from New York to San Francisco and so she is immersed in a new job, new environment, trying to make new friends.
With that comes naturally missing the old and familiar.
So her best friend (and ex) Tom came to visit and they had an awesome time.
Being with him was so easy. They just fit.
She said, “I don’t feel like I have to try. We have similar interests and sometimes we don’t even have to say anything, it just feels totally normal and good.”
When Tom left to go back to New York, a questioning started brewing for Nora.
She emailed me somewhat frantically, asking “should I get back with my ex?” He is such a great person and she didn’t want to MISS OUT if he were to find another woman.
Remembering what wasn’t working.
When we got on the phone to talk it through, my first question was, “Why did you break up with him in the first place?”
She explained that at the time he really didn’t have his life together, he didn’t have a job, he was depressed, and she just couldn’t put herself through that - which was totally valid.
Then I said, “What if tomorrow Tom was in a relationship with a girl, how would that make you feel?”
She said, “I would feel like I totally missed out on an awesome man.”
Then I asked, “Are you still attracted to him?”
Nora said, “Well that’s the thing. Not really, but that can change right? I used to be attracted to him when we were dating.”
If you can feel just through the words I am writing what I could feel through the phone, there was A LOT of HEAD and not enough HEART.
I said, “I can’t hear the excitement for you. All I hear is you are afraid he is going to move on and you are going to be left single forever.”
She had stopped trusting herself.
Nora was like, “Yeah I guess you’re right. I just stopped trusting myself when it comes to love and making choices.”
I asked, “Who doesn’t trust your judgment - your mom or your dad?”
She immediately said her mom.
That’s when it hit me.
It was so clear that she wasn’t excited about Tom but there was a voice inside of her saying “Don’t trust yourself, you don’t want to miss out” and I could tell that wasn’t her.
That voice was actually Nora’s mom’s inside of her head.
I checked in with Nora via email to see what hit her after the call.
This is what she wrote:
What hit me the most was that my mom thinking I’m making the wrong choices, and trying to tell me what she thinks the right choices are, makes me second-guess myself constantly.
I didn’t realize how much her voice is in my head. Her whole ideology that we are responsible for everything in our lives translates into me blaming myself any time anything isn’t perfect in my life and concluding that I must have made the wrong choices.
She thinks if anything is wrong, it must be because I messed something up and now I need to fix it – and usually she has already “figured out” how.
If I’m not happy with my dating life, I obsessively go back to decisions I’ve made and try to figure out where I went wrong and what I should have done instead, which is unproductive and undermines my confidence and belief in myself.
It seems to be empowering for her to feel like she has complete control over everything in her life, but for me it’s not empowering at all – it’s exhausting and discouraging.
The tricky part about believing you are the creator of your life.
Now I totally believe that the healthiest way to lead your life (to get WAY more of what you want and feel empowered) is to believe that YOU are the creator of your life.
Meaning, you can shift and alter your life according to what you believe (and often you have to change those beliefs to actually get what you want). Some beliefs are stopping you from having what you desire.
I also want to add an AND – a BIG AND.
You aren’t doing it alone; there is so much you can’t see.
In fact, scientists say that in any moment your brain is actually only retaining 2% and 98% of what you’re experiencing will be lost.
What the human brain can comprehend and understand is a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of knowledge out in the world.
So, to think that we literally have control over everyone and everything is absurd.
We are co-creating with the cosmos, Universe, karma.
And for some of you that is REALLY helpful to hear.
It can feel like you don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders.
Your Lovework is to tell me in the comments over on the blog if you are struggling with trusting your choices in men. Have you ever considered dating a man you knew wasn’t right because you were afraid you would miss out on something better?
In love,
Agent Orange