Thursday, March 23, 2017

Last Straw

I definitely haven't written here for a while . Maybe this time I'm reaching out to you . Only the people I care for the most will read this . I'm not the person who thrives on attention . I do my job , take care of my daughter , I don't party , I don't get to do most of the things people do as a single mom , but that's ok . I think I've come to a point in my life where I think of suicide . I think that I work so hard to get a different life and it's not changing . I live in hell . How do I end the fact that no one really cares , except my daughter . She is all I have . Everyone else wants something from me .

I feel like crying in a corner , I'm defeated . When most my friends call me the fighter what happens when there is no more fight . Fight to pay bills , fight for love , fight for my health . It's all failing .

I'm in such a dark place with out hope . God he is my hope he's saved me in everything my entire life but where is he now ? I haven't forgetton God is with me this is why I won't commit suicide he is my reason . But what do you do when your fighting with no wins ?

I've been swept under the floor like meaningless trash . By everyone that says I mean something to them . How do you live ? How do we keep going

Agent Orange

Thursday, February 23, 2017


I saw him there in the corner . It was dark and concerning like the scars stitched ever so perfectly and kept in the small creases around his eyes . He sat there quietly every day . I tried to get his attention but his stare it never wavered . I thought maybe the way I watched him might have been pretensous , but i couldn't help wonder . What caused his pain . The window outside was warm and the sun welcomed his sad face . I thought about sending him a letter or a shot of whisky . I thought about saying hello but I did none of those things . I knew he found me familiar , I played him a song instead
I waited for days and days I kept going back to see the man who never moved , never faultered . He became a shadow to my mere existence , I began to do things to make him go .

Why was he here ?

I filled the room with more men . I thought maybe the noise would upset him . But still nothing . The men came and went . Days passed into months , months passed into years .

One day he gave me a picture . It was of me , of me and him . He stood silent . Never saying a word .
As tears streamed down my face , I turned the picture around and read a note on the back . It was hard to read and old . It said I love you . I wasn't sure if the note was meant for me , because the man said nothing .

I wanted to leave at once . But how could I leave something that was part of me , that was me .
He sat back down in the corner . I walked out side . Knowing I would never travel far . Waiting

Monday, January 30, 2017

Heart Of The Matter

It's Monday my heart is racing my medicine isn't by working and I'm listening to the used . Poetic justice I think it's called . I apologize for editing error , I'm writing on my cell phone to say how I'm blessed each day I'm alive . Every day I pray that my hearts ok . No one knows what's wrong all I know is it races to a high rate , all by its self . I cut sugar and caffeine . I'm to young for this , now I know what a gift life is . What matters and what doesn't . When your praying you will just live another day , things come into perspective real fast . I tell people I love them , I cherish my friends and family and I try not to regret anything . And fight my hardest for my kids and just pray everything will be alright . My message to you is not to take life for granted

Agent Orange

Monday, January 2, 2017


I don't believe in New Years resolutions . They are rediculous . Every resolution is to live every day to go after what I want , not to want it once a year . I think it's a hallmark day for gym memberships . Tonight I watched my daughter play in her new princess tent I Suddenly started to smell something burning my heart felt like it was skipping beats and I felt sick . I had this weird feeling come over me and I saw the room become black . I thought , was I having a stroke ? What the hell was going on . I began to pray in case I died as I grew more sick and the room became more black . I ran into my moms room told her I was having a stroke or something . It continued to get worse .  My heart rate went from 60 to 100 . I was having a seizure . I began to cry . I'm so tired of these breaking moments, one minute with my daughter the next in fear . I sit here now my head is killing me .

I don't have a new years resolution except just to be healthy and to live for my kids . And to do anything it takes to just live in the moment with them .

Friday, December 9, 2016

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to , the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seuzure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My data I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .

Tuesday, December 6, 2016


The fit bit - you may have heard of the trendy device , it reads your heart rate , tells you sleep patterns and your excersise steps . Seems trivial but let me tell you how it saves my life every day .
Even better how it did just moments ago . I sat up in my bed , I began to feel sick , my heart rate was 85 a little high for laying in bed at 11 it's usually 65. I began to feel warm I couldn't breathe . I began to panick , panick because I couldn't breathe . I looked down at my fit bit it read 130 as my heart raced through my chest , and of course it was blinking I needed to charge it , fantastic right now !
I felt like I was going to be sick ! I got up turned the heater off , grabbed water and took heart medicine to slow my heart rate . I threw my fit bit on the charger for a moment and my heart raced harder . I knew I was going to die . I scrambled to find my phone to call 911 . I couldn't find it any where . I put my fit bit back on to only watch my heart climb one beat per minute more and more with each breath . I was crying , I knew at that moment there was nothing I could do , where was my phone ? I knew I was having a seizure . Every moment I live with my phone on me and now it's gone

With in 15 minutes of crying I saw my heart rate finally decline , I felt like I had the worst flu of my life and I feel lucky to be alive every time . Thank god I found this fit bit , that can tell me my heart rate when to take my medicine and when I may be having a seizure . If anyone you know has seizures but one it could save them too

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Emergency Room

It's cold in here and I thank the Lord for cell phones to help the 4 hour wait . I'm surrounded by the hurt and the sick here at Lima Linda ER . No need to be alarmed . I've had this horrible pain in my ear for a month with no sign of infection it has gone into my eye and neck . The urgent care Dr sent me here . With all the issues from my accident from my brain and my back I sit here and wait to make sure I'm ok . Usually it's something , today I pray it's nothing .

Today is a great time to write about humanity . I'm reminded every day as I watch hate spread like wild fire through social media in this election and people believe it's justified , the bullying on school campuses , or even the de humanization of woman .

It's funny to think I was talking with a gentleman who is in the navy he seemed nice , he asked me on a date , promised he was not like other guys he was looking for a relationship , then in the same breath he asked if he could go down on me . I was so disappointed in this guy . I erased him from existence and cried alone in my bed . Over him ? No . Over the fact that why can't we be treated as mere humans as people . Much less a woman . Made me sad .

What does it take to grow empathy and compassion in our communities ? What as leaders or parents can we do to practice this in our homes and work places ?

I challenge all of you to practice integrity today . Stop turning your back on what is right .

-Agent Orange