Monday, July 17, 2017

Love Project

It's Monday night . 5:32 PM . I'm listening to No Other Love , by Chuck Prophet . It reminds me of my favorite movie PS I Love You . It's to warm outside and my mood is all but melancholy and I'm confused about Love . I'm confused because the ones I loved the most let me down . In return this leaves the burning question in my heart of what is real , and what love is . I remembered some years going back , I walked into a restaraunt after a long day at work . My hair haphazard in a hat , worn and tired , feeling disheveled and unattractive . I sat waiting for my table and the manager looked over at me , I looked at him - it was instant connection . He asked me out , he told my sister he thought I was a 10. We went out over a year . Things were pretty perfect until I unlocked my door to my condo , he was sitting on my couch in my house talking to his ex girlfriend about getting back together . You can guess the ending of that story. So I asked what is Love ?

I think it was some years later when I met someone who was my ultimate love . Love at first sight , love at everything . He was everything I thought Love was . I never doubted his love for a second , I would've given my life on his word it was so perfect , and he just walked away . What is love ?

I think collectively on experiences as a whole , a whole meaning when we give our whole heart to a lie ? Or was it something different ? Was it Love but broken in some way ? So how do you know if your own heart is telling you the truth about anything ?

I can be with someone who can't give emotionally but says they love me is that love ?
I go back to the movie PS I Love You . I hate romantic movies but this one I've watched 3000 times because it reminds me of real love and the kind of love I look for . Eternal , unconditional love .

I know that I need someone I admire , envy , someone I look up to . Want to be like . Someone who protects me from harm , not someone I'm afraid will harm me . It's not that I'm looking for the perfect guy . Because we all have flaws . But I need to be able to look to you , to be a hero sometimes , to be strong . Stronger than me . An anchor for this ship .

I don't know what love is exactly . But I do know what I need . I know love is unconditional , it's giving your heart and searching out there's .

- Agent Orange

Friday, June 30, 2017

Have You Ever Wondered

It's 9:05 am it's Friday . No music today . I heard my pastor talk Sunday about Gods love and how he will not fail us . Even though I know this is true , God has never failed me even when I deserved nothing , it's times like this where some moments just go dark . Don't get me wrong I'm no victim . I fight even as the ship is sinking . I lay here in my bed thinking when is enough / enough . I lose my job because of a disgusting boss, someone hits my new car , and I lose an important relationship all in one month . I try to look at the positive . What is supposed to be ? I ask God what's my purpose ? Does it get better ? I always think everything happens for a reason . But why can't everyone who said they loved us really love us ? Maybe they don't know how ? Why can't we just take a pill and everything can just be as it should ? I have amazing friends . I try my best in any relationship to give more than what I have . I work hard at my job . Why do bad things happen ? Or why can't more good things happen ? I'm writing this blog because today I'm in a dark place . I'm aware there will be a rainbow at some point but how do I manage to sustain the journey when all seems lost ?

Are we fighting for no reason ? Does anyone really care ? I'm struggling to stay above water , not to lose it and cry . But I know I have to get up today and try again . Maybe there is a niricale waiting today . I don't know . Maybe there is one for you . I think I ask myself why can't I find unconditional love ? Why can't I find that perfect job ?

Every day I invest it's for nothing ? Where does all the love and care and hard work go . Is there a karma fairy who will one day come down and say everything from now on will be easy .

I don't know . Today is my dark day , no music , no smiles . But I guess the best part is in the believing that one day , it will all be ok .

- Agent Orange

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Last Straw

I definitely haven't written here for a while . Maybe this time I'm reaching out to you . Only the people I care for the most will read this . I'm not the person who thrives on attention . I do my job , take care of my daughter , I don't party , I don't get to do most of the things people do as a single mom , but that's ok . I think I've come to a point in my life where I think of suicide . I think that I work so hard to get a different life and it's not changing . I live in hell . How do I end the fact that no one really cares , except my daughter . She is all I have . Everyone else wants something from me .

I feel like crying in a corner , I'm defeated . When most my friends call me the fighter what happens when there is no more fight . Fight to pay bills , fight for love , fight for my health . It's all failing .

I'm in such a dark place with out hope . God he is my hope he's saved me in everything my entire life but where is he now ? I haven't forgetton God is with me this is why I won't commit suicide he is my reason . But what do you do when your fighting with no wins ?

I've been swept under the floor like meaningless trash . By everyone that says I mean something to them . How do you live ? How do we keep going

Agent Orange

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Traveling

I saw him there in the corner . It was dark and concerning like the scars stitched ever so perfectly and kept in the small creases around his eyes . He sat there quietly every day . I tried to get his attention but his stare it never wavered . I thought maybe the way I watched him might have been pretensous , but i couldn't help wonder . What caused his pain . The window outside was warm and the sun welcomed his sad face . I thought about sending him a letter or a shot of whisky . I thought about saying hello but I did none of those things . I knew he found me familiar , I played him a song instead
I waited for days and days I kept going back to see the man who never moved , never faultered . He became a shadow to my mere existence , I began to do things to make him go .

Why was he here ?

I filled the room with more men . I thought maybe the noise would upset him . But still nothing . The men came and went . Days passed into months , months passed into years .

One day he gave me a picture . It was of me , of me and him . He stood silent . Never saying a word .
As tears streamed down my face , I turned the picture around and read a note on the back . It was hard to read and old . It said I love you . I wasn't sure if the note was meant for me , because the man said nothing .

I wanted to leave at once . But how could I leave something that was part of me , that was me .
He sat back down in the corner . I walked out side . Knowing I would never travel far . Waiting

Monday, January 30, 2017

Heart Of The Matter

It's Monday my heart is racing my medicine isn't by working and I'm listening to the used . Poetic justice I think it's called . I apologize for editing error , I'm writing on my cell phone to say how I'm blessed each day I'm alive . Every day I pray that my hearts ok . No one knows what's wrong all I know is it races to a high rate , all by its self . I cut sugar and caffeine . I'm to young for this , now I know what a gift life is . What matters and what doesn't . When your praying you will just live another day , things come into perspective real fast . I tell people I love them , I cherish my friends and family and I try not to regret anything . And fight my hardest for my kids and just pray everything will be alright . My message to you is not to take life for granted


Agent Orange

Monday, January 2, 2017

Tomorrow

I don't believe in New Years resolutions . They are rediculous . Every resolution is to live every day to go after what I want , not to want it once a year . I think it's a hallmark day for gym memberships . Tonight I watched my daughter play in her new princess tent I Suddenly started to smell something burning my heart felt like it was skipping beats and I felt sick . I had this weird feeling come over me and I saw the room become black . I thought , was I having a stroke ? What the hell was going on . I began to pray in case I died as I grew more sick and the room became more black . I ran into my moms room told her I was having a stroke or something . It continued to get worse .  My heart rate went from 60 to 100 . I was having a seizure . I began to cry . I'm so tired of these breaking moments, one minute with my daughter the next in fear . I sit here now my head is killing me .

I don't have a new years resolution except just to be healthy and to live for my kids . And to do anything it takes to just live in the moment with them .

Friday, December 9, 2016

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to , the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seuzure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My data I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .