Saturday, July 30, 2016

No Dating

So I'm trying to find decent music so my blog can flow , Deftones isn't cutting it . Perhaps the Killers will do tonight . 

My blogs are always honest and its me on paper . I think this is the only place my gaurd is down . Hopefully I can help someone out there . So it's 10:15 pm and the Killers are playing by head phones , ( guess what , they suck right now to ) hold on while I change this . 

Ok The Used - poetic tragedy . Puts me at ease . Are you ready ? I wanted to talk about dating . Honestly I hate it . With all my heart and soul and guts and anything else I can throw in the dating blender . 

I'll tell you why . You can tell me if you relate . 
1. Am I pretty enough ? Is my outfit right?
Will he like me ? 
2. Did I do ok ? Was I pretty enough ? Will he kiss me ? Do I care ? Will he call again ? 
3. Why is he ignoring me ? Why is he needy ? No I don't want to be your girlfriend this fast . Can I find someone interested in me ? I write , would you even read it ? 

So stressful . I never was too interested in a relationship . I like being single . Single girls are considered whores . Yes I been called a slut and a whore . 

So here is where it gets almost so funny 
Why is a girl a whore because she doesn't want a boyfriend ? Because I date ? Sorry to be disgraceful but I'm not opening legs , for every guy I go out with 
And I think my real exciting life of work and Raigan gives me no time to see anyone . 

So what is one to do ? What is the point of this blog ? I'll tell you . 

2 years ago I loved truly for the first time 
I met him and that was it . I never believe this love existed or that I could ever even feel this way . 

I truly believed he was the one . Even though we parted , I have the standard of finding this again , and to never settle for less , so what is it you ask is the answer 

I'll tell you , I'm not a hopeless romantic 
The right person will feel right , they will read my writing , they will want to know me . 

And we will be friends . When he calls me beautiful it will be because he knows me and earned it .  

We will hang out and have fun , it will be seamless , it will just happen . He won't find me , we will find each other . 

No I don't want to date , I want us to hop in my car , and see where it leads us . 

Because life is passion and if it's not don't waste your time . I don't . I'm constantly moving in and out , weaving through seams of people . 

Because I'm a whore ? Because I'm emotionally unavailable ? No . 

That's where there all wrong . You see and that's ok . 

I'm looking for the Lightning . And if it's going to be , then we will grasp fingers and not be able to let go . 

Cheers to new adventures and one day find love again . 

- Agent Orange 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Eyes of Your Enemies

Listening to Sleep - Azure Ra . Raigan is safely sleeping under my arm . It's 10:30 pm . The one thing I need to reach out to you with my own broken fingers is an intamate message to all of you . 

Why enemies aren't really enemies and why I will make this blog understandable. 

I'm sure we have all encountered a horrible cheating person , a liar , someone who is angry or bullies you , someone who talks bad about you to skew others perception wrongly . Your thinking hmmm Amy these are bad people , sometimes the harsh black and white of life is grey ...... 

Let me explain while you stream some music . Ready ? 

Remember my last blog on perception and how some people are a little handicap in seeing past there own selves to really hear you . 

Let's break this down , most people who are tyrants are in pain , or they are projecting their own issues on you . 

The miserable person in their personal life may be so insecure they tear you down maliciously . They hate your joy , your light , your selflessness . 

Story time : believe me I have hundreds 
I knew a guy who was so evil to me you wouldn't believe how evil if I told you . 

I also knew it wasn't me . He was depressed , angry , alcoholic . For some reason he was or acted most hateful to me . I didn't know why . 

The one thing we have to remember is we can't control or change anyone . 

Back to this guy , I'll call him John . 
John made my life hell every day . But I wanted to see the good in John , somewhere in life he was robbed , hurt and here he was . 

Although I didn't need to be his friend or let him walk on me I never changed who I was in spite of his anger or rage . 

One day he got himself into a very bad place , he was drunk and police came to take his kids . He was in a public place . 

John hit rock bottom , I knew he loved his girls . I called him the next day offered my help . After that day there was a profound change in how he treated me 

We became great friends and still friends for over 5 years . This didn't happen because I deserved a pat on the back or did anything great , I treated him like a person , with love and with out judgement . I learned the biggest blessing of all why God says to love our enemies . We began to love one another 

What shoes do they walk in on there journey ? We don't know . 

There will always be people who aren't what we thought , or loved us how we wanted them too , but don't become them in the process . 

Look at your enemy as a child standing in front of you , the small child looks different now . Love your enemies . 

Don't become one yourself . Let them talk , let them leave . It's not easy , but don't become what they expect you to be . 

Don't lose your light . Because darkness has never become light with more darkness . Only light can dissipate darkness . And what a blessing some of these friendships have become . 

Story 2- I had this guy 10 years ago call me horrific names every day . I had no idea why . He tore me apart , my looks my character everything I was . 

One day he pulled me aside and began to cry . He apologized for what he had done wrong . Said he really loved me but didn't know how to act . I was dumb founded . Not only did I become friends with him but his entire family . I was even at his dad's funeral . 

Am I saying to put up with abuse ? No 
What I'm saying is life never is as it seems 

Always believe in yourself be a safe place for others . Never lose your light . 

Cling on to what is good , get rid of the rest . 

- Agent Orange