It's Thursday , I wanted to write about something I think a lot of us deal with every day . It's 6:04 P.M. this week I been searching and grasping at a way to hate myself a little less , to be able to stand up tall in who I am . This shrinking coward of who I have become is not me, I've been branded into something much bigger and stronger than this . How did I get so small ? And how do I find me again ?
I know every thing stems from roots right , mine weren't so great . I began my young life in abuse , in the beginning I learned I wasn't enough . I had to be perfect to be loved or to be lovable.
I would tear pictures from magazines of models and tape them to my walls , staring and studying each one . How do I become like them so someone would love and accept me ?
In high school I began doing drugs and running every day . Anything to be thin .
As I grew older I became obsessed with the gym , I had several plastic surgeries that only ruined my body , and pursued every drug that could make me thin !
How could I reach it ? What would it take . I had eating disorders and at laxatives like candy . I was skinny and dying . But yet it still wasn't enough .
I woke up one day and realized I needed to trust God and killing myself was not worth the worlds love. Because none of it brought me the perfect man , the perfect house or any dream I really had .
It just brought men who wanted sex and that was the very opposite of what I was in search for . I was an orphan to love . What did it mean ?
I'm not writing this for sympathy . I'm writing this to reach others out there just like me . Who may get dressed in the dark like I do , because I can't face myself in a mirror , or feel like people are staring at me because of my ugly looks .
So what is the answer ? I know I need to believe in what God says about me not the world . That I've been sold a lie .
But every day it's hard , it's a battle . Instagram and Facebook are covered in girls who have fake boobs , fake butts , fake lips , fake hair , what do I have to do to compete with so many woman .
Would a man love me ? Could he ? Could I love me ?
I'm not sure what the answer is , I just know there is one . And there is hope for all of us who deal with these things . We need to be brave . And believe in Gods love for us and everything he made was beautiful and complete .
Sent from my iPhone