Thursday, March 24, 2016


It's a half hour before work , I'm sitting in my car and I need to write to you this morning so here it goes . This week in 7 days I've heard from every ex boyfriend I've had from 18 years old up to my last boyfriend from a few months ago . This has been a strange phenomenon.  My friend Kristy told maybe there is a door that hasn't been closed . Maybe , there is something to that . 

I write this blog because I've learned a whole lot of lessons . Being a rape victim as a young girl I spent most of my teen years on meth trying to not feel much of anything and as far as emotions I had a no vacancy sign hanging around my neck for most of my life . 

I was good at saving you but not myself . As long as I was saving you , I was ok . But I was mostly jumping ship from one person to the next , never letting anyone close to me . So mostly the guys I adore are the same way . That is ok with me because I understand them . We have pain . 

Like one of my best friends said , Sarah , " Amy you always have your toes in many ponds ." This is true . 

There has been only one person who has captured my attention . 

One day 5 years ago God healed me of all of this . But is it still hard . Yes . Do I do drugs of course not . 

Do I want to be alone ? No . But I am . I'm guessing without knowing I'm still carrying that sign . But I don't want to . 

I've thought a lot about this , the past few months and this week . I want to be emotionally available . 

But how ? That's the next chapter 

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