Tuesday, August 23, 2016


It's 12:42 am . I'm up for a reason and I never write about me impartially but tonight I want to share something important . I have no idea how to gather my thoughts in order so please forgive me . It's dark in my room and I'm alone . I like to think I have control over my day , my attitude , and my outcomes . But I learned the hard way we can't control everything . This is not a statement on me as a victim , this is one thing I am not
But to help others aware of what many people go through . 

And right now I never felt so alone . When I was 12 I was in an accident where I almost died . I was riding a horse that went out of control , I almost flew through the windshield of a car but instead my head was smashed on a huge rock . Slamming my brain so hard it bled . 

When I was 28 I began to feel like I was having heart attacks , no one knew what was wrong , Dr 's mocked me told me I was lying , making it up . Night after night rushing to hospital I was laughed at . 

Finally I saw a neurologist out of La Jolla who did a brain scan and I found out I was having seizures . Partial seizures . They control your nervous system , especially your heart . Not to mention they cause the fear of death . I began my journey on horrible medicines like topamax that cause memory loss . 

You know how many times I lost my way home ? Lost my words ? I couldn't drink either anymore . I mean it's fine I did my partying well enough up to this point but I became the boring friend . What was happening to me I had no control over 

There is not a soul who can understand what I go through , so I'll fast forward to tonight . 

I woke up out of a dead sleep my heart pounding , my body shaking and everything in you tells you , this time I'm going to die . It's not a maybe it's a fact 

So I begin to cry . I'm alone in my bed literally knowing this is it . It's a nightmare after 15 min it passes and I'm ok .  

What I go through seems like a tragedy over and over again. Not one friend not one person from work , gets it . Have you ever felt that way ? 

It's 1 am I'm alone writing this blog and no one in the world gets what I go through . Am I a victim ? No . I'm a fighter . So are you . I can't control what I have it's the left over damage caused by a terrible accident . And I lay here wishing I didn't have to fight anymore . How much more can I take ? 

I wrote this so people can have a better understanding and love for what others go through . Everything isn't what it always seems , people go through stuff it hurts and sometimes there all alone . 

What ever it may be , have compassion for others . Let them in .

-Agent Orange 

No comments:

Post a Comment