The Real Fight

I've never been " that girl " who has to be married or in a relationship . On the flip side though , I think I may be single forever . I'm turning 37 in 2 weeks . You see those people so happy in love , I'm left to wonder was I the cursed one ? 

What am I doing wrong ? 

Do I need you , him , or them ? No . But I'll tell you , it would be nice to find the best friend . 

The one who can open his heart , the one who won't pass out , disappear , or be a complete asshole and wonder why you won't call him back ....

After this sex in the city post of a girl living in a city of no sex , seems luck is running out on quality . 

Yes I see those Facebook filtered glamour pictures I'm not jealous of your quantity of men you bring home . I said quality . 

I get these pats on the back , don't worry Amy you will find him . 

I'm a pretty bad ass chick . Seems a lot of girls are in the same boat . 

Me and my girlfriends are not looking forward to being 80 playing bingo and wondering where our fish pool went 

- Agent Orange 

What Is Love

I imagine being in a small cafe in Paris , the clouds are grey it's cold . The crowd is buzzing around outside , and I am writing to you as I look at the Eiffel Tower .

The subject what is love ?

Love was something that was skewed to me since child hood . I imagine I lived a life not knowing what love meant until I was older .

The bible says love is patience , kindness , goodness , forgiving , takes no accounts of wrongs . Love over comes all things . Even a multitude of sin .

That is powerful .

Love is : feeding the homeless . Loving a friend no matter what . Apologizing for your past .
Love is unconditional never leaving and staying through the pain .

Love is reaching within someone else and loving them for how they need . Not just giving what's easy . Love is giving chances .

Love is acts of kindness and understanding . It's empathy .

This is love

- Agent Orange

Class is In

So I'm laying here at 11pm , in my bed . My precious daughter tucked under my arm and today begins to disapate in her warmth . I'm guided today to once again visit some things my dear loved ones are experiencing . I feel like I need to be your criminal here and break in your heads and rattle things up a bit ....

First go get a pen and paper . Go - I'm waiting . Don't roll your eyes at me either .
So you ready ?

Erase your other half out of your mind . They don't exist -

Write down everything you want In another person .
Then write down what you need from a relationship .
Example
Love
Sex
Gifts
Whatever it is write it down !!!!!

Let's introduce your other half . The one who isn't committing , the one who leaves you confused .
The one who gives you mixed messages .

Check off your list what that person gives you .
Are they available emotionally ? No ?

Well they can't exaxtly love you , can they ?
Are they filling your boxes ?

As hard as it is to write this -
Look in the mirror ? Go ! Look !!!!

Your pretty hot right ? Have a lot to give ? Right ?

Why are you waisting your time ?!!!! When you could have the whole list ?
Plus more ?!!!!

If you died tomorrow - who would be at your funeral ? What impact did they have on your life ?

You know exaxtly what to do , but you hold on to crumbs instead of going after the  whole pie .....

So -go make your dreams happen -

It's their loss

- Agent Orange

Closing Time

Tonight at work as we cleaned the showroom me and my gal pal Sarah talked about this whole thing called dating . It's all new for me , just began a few months ago . I've been single for 4 1/2 years by choice . The thought of dating strangers frightened me . My life has been bombarded with work , kids, gym and God . In no order of importance . I never have time for my friends or extended family it's aweful .

My friends urged me to go date , go go Amy they said . I've gone on a handful .  Some funny , some disasters , some disapointments . I'm fine being single , that's who I am . I've never been the girl to scribble his and hers names on scratch pads . I was the girl who mocked love at every turn and its existence .

Last year I fell , in love for first time , the for real kind of love . The details are not important , but it turned me into a believer .

So here I am . It's 10 pm after work , we're talking about dating . And this is the skinny on it . It's not about the guy really . You spend so much time on the right out fit , exc to find in the end your date is you !!!!

With every date we learn more about our selves . Don't we ? What we want , don't want . I've made good friends in the process and met some people with real issues . But all in all you got to enjoy the journey even though it's hard . Keep yourself open . Everyone teaches us something about ourselves .

In the process you just might meet that person . Who makes it all make sense , and the looking is over.

I've been hurt , yes. I've had fun , but I know my path .
Cheers to us . Open your heart -

Agent Orange

Jaded

I'm kind of obsessed with the new song from Fast and Furious 7 ( see you again ) . It's playing its sweet song into my headphones now as I write this blog .

My blog is about being jaded and desensitized to others . We're so used to being stepped on , used , broken by life . How can we open our hearts to strange new people ? I'm one I know to take my own advice I know . Don't be so gaurded they tell me . I think it's perfectly ok to be gaurded but be open and listen . Listen to people . What do I know ? My true love isn't with me , I have best friends who loved me and deceived me . Life happens . It's not about the world around you , it's about you . Be clear In what you are looking for . It is then you will find the diamonds .
And diamonds stay forever .

Trust God for the answers . Open your heart and pray for the path you should take

- Agent Orange

The Big No

This blog is being drafted at 2 am . While listening to Pearl Jam . Typically it's Tori Amos or something iconic but I'm writing about something profound . I know so many people will disagree to this excerpt . But bear with me as I write nails on chalk board because it's the gritty truth people beg and pay to hear . I'm writing it to you for free .

As a woman you grow up with men caring more about getting into your panties then into your heart . This is true for all woman I suppose , I'm not any more or less special than any one else .
I grew up in a even more disadvantage as a victim of child rape so I believed that sex meant love . So boy was I confused .

The more they wanted me the more they loved me right ? Well when the wanting part was gone I found myself alone and hurt and confused . I learned growing up that God had more for me that love meant a whole lot more . But it was a battle . The lie was built into me it was apart of me . I think it's true whether we are a victim or not . Society tells us to be flawless to be good enough to receive sex and in turn get love .  This is wrong .

I dreamed my whole life I would meet a man who would say no to me . Who would want to love me . Does that sound crazy ?  After years of being used and receiving no love I seek the opposite . Someone who chooses to seek me first .....

Then everything else after . Do I want to have sex ? Yes . But to someone who doesn't care ? No .
I've waited 36 years to tell this story . Do I have issues ? No . Am I ok ? Yes. I just seek the love I deserve and the point of this blog is so should you . Don't believe lies that the world tells you .

- Agent Orange

Best Intentions

I pass quietly through an empty parking lot . The sun is shining bright on a warm March day . As I walked to the car I over heard a man complaining about his wife to another man on the side of the building , so here goes today's blog . The re invention of friendship . Marriage , if you look at it simply broken down your supposed to be ( best friends ) I don't care roll your eyes at me , but it's true. Say what you will . He said she said bull shit ... It's a two way street . Would you lie to your best friend ? Cheat ? Talk bad about them ? Your married one year or 40 doesn't matter . If you have issues with the best friend part then guess what , you have issues with the unconditional love part .
Sacrificial love .

So Instead of complaining to someone else , communicate to your best friend . That's a concept . Another is every day I watch couples cut each other down . No respect at all . This all falls down to the one simple thing .
If you don't believe me Practice it every day until you get it . I know I would never consider marrying again unless I had this 100% .

I'm not into chick flicks or sappy romance movies believe me , but in the movie the notebook when they died together that's real , that happens .....

Drop your pride and your selfishness and love

- Agent Orange