Friday, June 26, 2015

Hear no Evil - Speak No Evil - See no Evil

"All my life I looked for you , your arms to fall into ." - yellow card 

I'm deeply bothered today . I think about how I was never , I mean never ever was the girl looking for love . Just wanted a career . Went to college and that was that . 

I don't know how to write this blog in terms of getting across my point ..... 

I went through a series of relationships some or most amazing some bad . 
I call it a numbers game . Some good some bad .....
I've seen it all - done it all . 

I was emotionally un available and no one was getting in . I didn't care .I hurt people  some hurt me . 

Fast forward to a bad divorce of an abusive person , broke my spirit . I then said - God I'm taking 3 years no dating no talking to men so I can heal and put you first not my pain . 

I did just that . Last year I met an amazing man . Love at first sight it was everything I never ever thought existed . 

He was my best friend . It was just about that . For the first time I became available 

My heart was open . For the very first time I loved . 

Under honourable circumstances it didn't work out . That story isn't important . 

But at 36 it made me wonder can this exist again ? 

I started dating for about 6 months . 
All situations different . 

Then I meet someone and I'm scared .
Not because I think this guys a player ,
Or he's going to leave . 

The fear comes from being " available "
Did you ever listen to the song secret garden I think by Bruce Springsteen ?

You can use a vice go a million miles but still you can't get to her secret garden she hides .

What happens when that person makes it in and you realise how ? 

This person has the power to hurt me ?
Before I could digest it - he left . 

I'm sitting here at ground zero . 
All I can think is hear no evil , speak no evil , see no evil .

This is profound to me at this moment 
Losing something special I can't get back 

I realise I need to trust God with my heart not man . Believe in God first is the lesson I learned . 

I have a lot of love to give - God changed my heart over those 3 years . Now I have to trust in him .

So I don't lose important things . I urge every one to do the same 

-Agent Orange 

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