When is it worth it

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 

This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange 

No Dating

So I'm trying to find decent music so my blog can flow , Deftones isn't cutting it . Perhaps the Killers will do tonight . 

My blogs are always honest and its me on paper . I think this is the only place my gaurd is down . Hopefully I can help someone out there . So it's 10:15 pm and the Killers are playing by head phones , ( guess what , they suck right now to ) hold on while I change this . 

Ok The Used - poetic tragedy . Puts me at ease . Are you ready ? I wanted to talk about dating . Honestly I hate it . With all my heart and soul and guts and anything else I can throw in the dating blender . 

I'll tell you why . You can tell me if you relate . 

1. Am I pretty enough ? Is my outfit right?

Will he like me ? 

2. Did I do ok ? Was I pretty enough ? Will he kiss me ? Do I care ? Will he call again ? 

3. Why is he ignoring me ? Why is he needy ? No I don't want to be your girlfriend this fast . Can I find someone interested in me ? I write , would you even read it ? 

So stressful . I never was too interested in a relationship . I like being single . Single girls are considered whores . Yes I been called a slut and a whore . 

So here is where it gets almost so funny 

Why is a girl a whore because she doesn't want a boyfriend ? Because I date ? Sorry to be disgraceful but I'm not opening legs , for every guy I go out with 

And I think my real exciting life of work and Raigan gives me no time to see anyone . 

So what is one to do ? What is the point of this blog ? I'll tell you . 

2 years ago I loved truly for the first time 

I met him and that was it . I never believe this love existed or that I could ever even feel this way . 

I truly believed he was the one . Even though we parted , I have the standard of finding this again , and to never settle for less , so what is it you ask is the answer 

I'll tell you , I'm not a hopeless romantic 

The right person will feel right , they will read my writing , they will want to know me . 

And we will be friends . When he calls me beautiful it will be because he knows me and earned it .  

We will hang out and have fun , it will be seamless , it will just happen . He won't find me , we will find each other . 

No I don't want to date , I want us to hop in my car , and see where it leads us . 

Because life is passion and if it's not don't waste your time . I don't . I'm constantly moving in and out , weaving through seams of people . 

Because I'm a whore ? Because I'm emotionally unavailable ? No . 

That's where there all wrong . You see and that's ok . 

I'm looking for the Lightning . And if it's going to be , then we will grasp fingers and not be able to let go . 

Cheers to new adventures and one day find love again . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes of Your Enemies

Listening to Sleep - Azure Ra . Raigan is safely sleeping under my arm . It's 10:30 pm . The one thing I need to reach out to you with my own broken fingers is an intamate message to all of you . 

Why enemies aren't really enemies and why I will make this blog understandable. 

I'm sure we have all encountered a horrible cheating person , a liar , someone who is angry or bullies you , someone who talks bad about you to skew others perception wrongly . Your thinking hmmm Amy these are bad people , sometimes the harsh black and white of life is grey ...... 

Let me explain while you stream some music . Ready ? 

Remember my last blog on perception and how some people are a little handicap in seeing past there own selves to really hear you . 

Let's break this down , most people who are tyrants are in pain , or they are projecting their own issues on you . 

The miserable person in their personal life may be so insecure they tear you down maliciously . They hate your joy , your light , your selflessness . 

Story time : believe me I have hundreds 

I knew a guy who was so evil to me you wouldn't believe how evil if I told you . 

I also knew it wasn't me . He was depressed , angry , alcoholic . For some reason he was or acted most hateful to me . I didn't know why . 

The one thing we have to remember is we can't control or change anyone . 

Back to this guy , I'll call him John . 

John made my life hell every day . But I wanted to see the good in John , somewhere in life he was robbed , hurt and here he was . 

Although I didn't need to be his friend or let him walk on me I never changed who I was in spite of his anger or rage . 

One day he got himself into a very bad place , he was drunk and police came to take his kids . He was in a public place . 

John hit rock bottom , I knew he loved his girls . I called him the next day offered my help . After that day there was a profound change in how he treated me 

We became great friends and still friends for over 5 years . This didn't happen because I deserved a pat on the back or did anything great , I treated him like a person , with love and with out judgement . I learned the biggest blessing of all why God says to love our enemies . We began to love one another 

What shoes do they walk in on there journey ? We don't know . 

There will always be people who aren't what we thought , or loved us how we wanted them too , but don't become them in the process . 

Look at your enemy as a child standing in front of you , the small child looks different now . Love your enemies . 

Don't become one yourself . Let them talk , let them leave . It's not easy , but don't become what they expect you to be . 

Don't lose your light . Because darkness has never become light with more darkness . Only light can dissipate darkness . And what a blessing some of these friendships have become . 

Story 2- I had this guy 10 years ago call me horrific names every day . I had no idea why . He tore me apart , my looks my character everything I was . 

One day he pulled me aside and began to cry . He apologized for what he had done wrong . Said he really loved me but didn't know how to act . I was dumb founded . Not only did I become friends with him but his entire family . I was even at his dad's funeral . 

Am I saying to put up with abuse ? No 

What I'm saying is life never is as it seems 

Always believe in yourself be a safe place for others . Never lose your light . 

Cling on to what is good , get rid of the rest . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes

It's 8:40 am - I would give anything to be in Carlsbad right now over looking the ocean . Wouldn't you ? There's a restraunt there called Kings Fish House there is nothing better . 

As for now I sit in my mini writing to you, music streaming . If anyone wants to save me , please do . 

I was thinking a lot about how we veiw others , how others perceive us and how perception becomes a reality . Not yours but maybe your audience in whole . 

This isn't about me it's about us . I think it's accumulative knowledge that we see others based upon how we see the world most importantly how we are . 

It's seems simple , but we are not aware of this pattern of thinking , this is how it gets complicated . 

Let me take you some where . Your sitting in a beautiful house , over looking a vast ocean . You sit and watch for hours . Never taking your eyes off the sun rise , the waves , breathing in the salty air 

It's what we see and it's our reality . 

What happens if you walked to the back and viewed through a different window ?

You see something different ? Experience something different ? Your view has changed . 

We judge people based on their appearance , right ? Nothing frustrates me more than not being taken seriously because of blonde hair and tattoos . 

I'm edgy , I'm immature , I am shallow . 

What ever the case may be I lose my voice . People lose there voices every day due to judgement or someone's false perception of you based on their way of thinking . 

Can you control this ? No . Do I really care what others think or if they like me 

No . I'm me , if someone doesn't want to take the time to hear me or see me that's their loss . 

But being viewed based on perception 

Is something that can make you lose on good relationships . Stepping outside of your box and thinking differently , it's a way to read other people stories , based on their experience , not yours . 

So what's the point of this blog ? 

To see others based on them not you 

Talk to people , learn more about others 

Most of all love your enemies . I've learned the most from being selfless and loving those who have wronged you . 

Look out a different window today . 

Carpe Diem 

- Agent Orange 

Perception

Foo fighters ever long streams through my car this morning , I'm an hour early for work . I wait alone here in the parking lot . This month has been hard , working 6 days a week , takes a toll on you . I find myself thinking when will my big break come . Yes , there are none in life , but maybe just one . I suppose I've had a few in my life , maybe I didn't take them when I should've . I don't regret the winded path it's led me on to where I sit in this car that hardly works but is fighting til the end much like myself - 

So here this story goes , why is happiness a perception . 

And how Amy can we change our perceptions ? Good question . 

Every morning I leave Starbucks I see a homeless man sitting in his car . Rusted and blue missing all its paint . The man is worn from life's regrets , he is dirty and tired . But none of that matters when he is sitting in front of Starbucks every morning . Why you are wondering ..... 

There he sits , coffee and old cell phone in hand waving it around trying to catch the free wifi Starbucks offers from his car 

You can see the joy on the mans face 

A peaceful moment . 

Us Americans , we find happiness in plastic surgery or expensive cars . We set goals to become rich and to attain wealth 

When it's not achieved people commit suicide . 

Perception . 

I once did financial advising , home loans 

I had a man call me , he was sobbing , he had lost everything . He killed himself on the phone . My job as an advisor a counselor , to consol him at that moment was to tell him things will get better . 

His perception that all his happiness was in his things . 

Third world countries rely on just finding food and water as a daily goal . They have no understanding what a selfie is or fake lips or boobs or eating disorders . 

Yet we bullie and harass one another on appearance because we are not happy within ourselves . 

What's your perception ? Is it keeping you from the big picture ? 

If we generated happiness into giving 

And loving , instead of into things or ideas then happiness would become tangible . 

Not just a perceived idea of what is mine what I need what you need keeps us divided . 1 out 3 Americans are on medication for depression . 1 out of 5 suffer from obesity . This is an internal problem . 

Where is our joy ? 

My best moments in life are from family and friends , from great leaders lending a helping hand or people showing unconditional love . 

Don't base your happiness on 1 thing . 

Yes set goals of course . Strive to be your best , be successful . 

But don't make it your identity . 

Be you . Be different . Smile . 

Agent Orange 

When Your Fallen

There's those times when we seem like giving up on hope and faith , when things get dark and shadows close in . Just remember not to forget where you came from , the battles you faced and won , the roads you walked alone , and around the bend victory is waiting . Because the ones who walk away weren't meant to strive with you and the ones who make it will die with you and those are the ones who matter most . 

Take heart - 

Amy Bible

If someone could just of told me sooner .

That - 

It's alright to eat cake with your fingers in the car , and it's not alright to let anyone's opinion dictate who you are , and never let anyone talk down to you , further more never devalue yourself because every single thing you do comes from the power of your own mind , so love yourself and believe in your self you are in control of your own success . Do not be your worst enemy the world is full of evil people already . And love your enemies , not for them for you . Love unconditionally do not expect return . Life is not black and white when someone walks away it's probably because of that grey area so relax the answer will come in due time and trust me it always does in this case follow your heart . 

True love only happens once , if you have not experienced it keep your eyes and heart open , if your not sure you have then you haven't , 

Always stay calm . Never involve yourself with people who are toxic . Remember to love whole . Never give your self easily . 

Never become dependent on anything it will kill you . That is just a fact . Or kill the best part of you . 

God is real give him control of your life . 

Then you don't have to worry about controlling it . Cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest . And friends who are easily swayed are not your friends . 

Never compare yourself to others . You are never going to be a model but it doesn't mean he doesn't think your not beautiful . 

Be healthy we live once . 

Do not let your fear of anything drive you like I said we live once . Crush your fears 

Fear is just a lie . 

Leave a bad marriage if it's un fixable true love is out there . Once again we only live once . Sorry it's true . 

Live in joy and be thankful , love your friends and no matter what your truth is never lie . 

Nothing is more important than your kids 

Chase nothing , unless you screwed up fix it with actions not just words . 2 people should come together , 

Listen to music , set daily goals and always be moving forward . Life is a beautiful journey live it . And love the journey . Good or bad . You learn every step of the way . 

Plug your ears to na Sayers - 

Love with all your heart - 

Agent Orange