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I have not connected on here for a while and this was my dearest friend so here I am tonight - hold on while I find the perfect music , because we know this is most important .... 

Yellow card wins - How I go . Quite fitting 

The past few months , has been really strange for me , being these blogs are about setting goals and stepping out side of the box to accomplish something different . 

This year I set goals and accomplished almost all of them but 2. So something needs to change -now . Do you feel this way ? 

You work what works , and change what does not . I'm more than what my life is right now . I know this , so I need to become what I am . Make sense ? 

I am blessed I have wonderful friends that I've had for years . I urge you guys to start a thank you journal . Start small it opens you up to what you actually have instead of what you don't . Every day you write what your thankful for . It's amazing how your outlook changes . Go buy a journal keep it in your car . You don't believe me ? Try it . 

I urge every one to step out of your comfort zone . 

-Agent Orange 

Resolution

It's a half hour before work , I'm sitting in my car and I need to write to you this morning so here it goes . This week in 7 days I've heard from every ex boyfriend I've had from 18 years old up to my last boyfriend from a few months ago . This has been a strange phenomenon.  My friend Kristy told maybe there is a door that hasn't been closed . Maybe , there is something to that . 

I write this blog because I've learned a whole lot of lessons . Being a rape victim as a young girl I spent most of my teen years on meth trying to not feel much of anything and as far as emotions I had a no vacancy sign hanging around my neck for most of my life . 

I was good at saving you but not myself . As long as I was saving you , I was ok . But I was mostly jumping ship from one person to the next , never letting anyone close to me . So mostly the guys I adore are the same way . That is ok with me because I understand them . We have pain . 

Like one of my best friends said , Sarah , " Amy you always have your toes in many ponds ." This is true . 

There has been only one person who has captured my attention . 

One day 5 years ago God healed me of all of this . But is it still hard . Yes . Do I do drugs of course not . 

Do I want to be alone ? No . But I am . I'm guessing without knowing I'm still carrying that sign . But I don't want to . 

I've thought a lot about this , the past few months and this week . I want to be emotionally available . 

But how ? That's the next chapter 

Addict (1)

Grasping at tourniquets 

There is nothing stopping the heroine 

Decaying the heart 

One day at a time you see 

No pain killers 

I watch every tear attempt to escape 

But there is nothing 

I lose you again with every song 

I lose you again every time I fall asleep 

I lose you 

Tell me our story again 

I can't make it end 

So I re write it over and over 

To get my fix again / 

What's your Dream

I suppose as I lay here in my bed , under piles of blankets fighting off today's wrinkled faces and disasters and triumphs . I gained some things and lost others . Tori Amos ( The Red Baron ) plays aloud this time from my new iPhone 6 as I write .

The subject is the greatest wish -
What is your greatest wish ? A vacation ? A car perhaps ? To heal of some sort of deadly disease ?
Mine I've found to be quite simple but yet unattainable .

To love and be loved . Not the kind from family or children . But unconditional love from a man . I don't know what that means to have a best friend that's loyal who won't leave . Who wants to know me , who I can travel with . You know that guy . I see marriages taken for granted , people sleeping on couches , while The single moms out there go to bed with out any one really caring about how our day really went . Imagine that .

I can write a poem about loss , and revenge and fairy tales ........

It seems simple right . For all of us , I work 14 hours a day I'm not out looking , maybe something's aren't meant to be

- Agent orange

Butterfly Effect

Some words when spoken can't be taken back , walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking futures  above ,  but in the past he's slow and sinking ....- Pearl Jam

This blog is a little different than most . It's half past midnight , and this subject has been buzzing around to push my pen for weeks . Sometimes I can't locate my thoughts to map them out eloquently on paper , but I'll do my very best tonight .

As a Christian God blesses us with gifts . In the bible it states these gifts . Most people are blessed with certain gifts . I suppose if you don't believe in God or the Bible what I'm about to say may seem crazy but I'll tell you it's true . God blessed me with words of knowledge and discernment . Meaning I will know things about certain people so I can pray for them or help them in some way . Some times there strangers . I'll go to them tell them God asked me to pray for them for something they will be amazed I know something that only they know . But that's how God works . We are his messengers sometimes .
Lately I been wondering why I have this gift . It's been something that's been happening daily . I prayed , God gave me an answer , I wanted to share .


Every day we see people on the surface , we judge their intentions . We are quick to hate , to push away , build walls , and not help . I see it all day long . How many times do we hear he's a loser , fat , poor , drug addict , user , broke , ugly , who're , bad parent , stupid , idiot , list goes on . Right ?

We refuse to see the story or let's just go beyond that - how about let's try love . People are so full of their own pain and bitterness they just don't care about other people's pain .

Let me give you an example : there was a homeless boy , a group of people said lets help the boy , a woman stated , " no ! Why should I !, he's probably on drugs !"

Ummmm , I remember last none of us are without sin . Not her , not me , not you .
Jesus loved the murders , adulters , the sick , he loved us all .

I know I have this gift so I can see the hearts of people to learn to love unconditionally . Without reservation . Am I saying to be in an abusive relationship ? No . Or put yourself in a bad situation ? No .
What I'm saying is to love , unconditionally , your sin is not different then theirs . Guess what saved you ? Love . What will save them ? Love !!!!!!!

So before you call someone a loser -
Fat
Idiot
Stupid

Why don't you love them instead .

- Agent Orange

Why Love is Most Important

The day was long and cold , you know what I mean by cold , not the weather ... 

I wanted to write to you today , to share something important , to drill a hole in your brains and into your hearts and hopefully your soul . 

Tori Amos is streaming through my iPhone listening to , Not The Red Baron . 

I'm laying in my bed , and wondering how to craft these words carefully . 

We live in this dating world , we date and if something doesn't seem right sometimes we block the person and Bamb there gone . Technology has taught us to be inhuman . We're so used to being used and hurt . We have expectations so high that the prince of Dubia couldn't fo fill your wishes . 

Sometimes yes , we do need to lose a bad person here or their . But this message isn't about that , it's about listening to your instincts not your friends!

There's something that does or doesn't happen when 2 people meet . Love could happen in a day or a moment .

Who could know this but the two people involved ? On the flip side this is most important , just because something dosent work out , it dosent mean you can't be friends . Who do I need to take account to for that ??????? 

We take things so fucking personal when things don't work out , you throw people away liked used rags . 

I see everyone do it . But guess what it's not always about you , or you , or even you . Some people are fighting demons and battles and their good people . 

So be there for them , love them , be there friend . God says to love . Sometimes people need you , need compassion , need God . 

Look into people's hearts , I've met so many people this past year . Just because they weren't for me or it didn't work out , dosent mean they were not a gift in some way . 

Start looking to people as humans ! Treat them with love and kindness even if they can't !!! 

Sometimes we need that . 

- Agent Orange 

Value

The homeless man grants me a smile as I walk past , I think it's the first gift of the day . I walk into Starbucks it's cold and December likes to remind me of the comings and the " goings " . 

I realised this morning at half past 4 I wasn't ready for you just as much as you weren't ready for me . But I let you know me the opportunity was there , and you never read one page . 

So I sit here drinking my tea on my lunch break wondering why am I alone . Darlings I struggle with the idea , but believe me these things are by choice . 

Have you heard - to think is to create ? 

I'm much smarter then I let on to audiences who don't take the time , so if you have no clue what I'm saying then this story is not written for you . 

My audience knows me . Since I have 2% left on my phone , I'm left to find love once again , but for the person who wants to invest , and what is investing you ask ? 

- Agent Orange