Unrequited

Are we destined to lose what we love most ? 

I'm not sure , I have the answer to this question anymore . I have no faith in forever never have . People put their beliefs in me and it may seem harsh or cold but I'm just not one to believe in all that warm fuzzy love stuff . 

Call me a cynic . It all makes me throw up a little in my mouth . I'm guarded . Until 2 years ago I met someone who changed my life . Made me a believer . 

I've been chasing the light at the end of the tunnel ever since . It's called faith .

I knew in an instant I loved him before I knew his name . It sounded as crazy to you as it did to me ! Obviously . 

I'm sitting in Starbucks drinking coffee and me and my mr right are separated by a cruel twist of fate - so what now ? 

Will it work out ? Will it work out with someone else ? Being I didn't believe in the first place ? 

For the first time in my life I have no answers . 

Have you ever been in this place ? 

- Agent Orange 

Regretting A Break Up

Have you ever stayed friends with an ex?

 

My friend Nora and I were talking recently about a man she had been in a relationship with over 6 years ago and stayed friends with. In fact they are almost best friends.

 

Nora recently moved from New York to San Francisco and so she is immersed in a new job, new environment, trying to make new friends.

 

With that comes naturally missing the old and familiar.

 

So her best friend (and ex) Tom came to visit and they had an awesome time.

 

Being with him was so easy. They just fit.

 

She said, “I don’t feel like I have to try. We have similar interests and sometimes we don’t even have to say anything, it just feels totally normal and good.”

 

When Tom left to go back to New York, a questioning started brewing for Nora.

 

She emailed me somewhat frantically, asking “should I get back with my ex?” He is such a great person and she didn’t want to MISS OUT if he were to find another woman.

 

Remembering what wasn’t working.

 

When we got on the phone to talk it through, my first question was, “Why did you break up with him in the first place?”

 

She explained that at the time he really didn’t have his life together, he didn’t have a job, he was depressed, and she just couldn’t put herself through that - which was totally valid.

 

Then I said, “What if tomorrow Tom was in a relationship with a girl, how would that make you feel?”

 

She said, “I would feel like I totally missed out on an awesome man.”

 

Then I asked, “Are you still attracted to him?”

 

Nora said, “Well that’s the thing. Not really, but that can change right? I used to be attracted to him when we were dating.”

 

If you can feel just through the words I am writing what I could feel through the phone, there was A LOT of HEAD and not enough HEART.

 

I said, “I can’t hear the excitement for you. All I hear is you are afraid he is going to move on and you are going to be left single forever.”

 

She had stopped trusting herself.

 

Nora was like, “Yeah I guess you’re right. I just stopped trusting myself when it comes to love and making choices.”

 

I asked, “Who doesn’t trust your judgment - your mom or your dad?”

 

She immediately said her mom.

 

That’s when it hit me.

 

It was so clear that she wasn’t excited about Tom but there was a voice inside of her saying “Don’t trust yourself, you don’t want to miss out” and I could tell that wasn’t her.

 

That voice was actually Nora’s mom’s inside of her head.

 

I checked in with Nora via email to see what hit her after the call.

 

This is what she wrote:

 

What hit me the most was that my mom thinking I’m making the wrong choices, and trying to tell me what she thinks the right choices are, makes me second-guess myself constantly.

 

I didn’t realize how much her voice is in my head.  Her whole ideology that we are responsible for everything in our lives translates into me blaming myself any time anything isn’t perfect in my life and concluding that I must have made the wrong choices.

 

She thinks if anything is wrong, it must be because I messed something up and now I need to fix it – and usually she has already “figured out” how.

 

If I’m not happy with my dating life, I obsessively go back to decisions I’ve made and try to figure out where I went wrong and what I should have done instead, which is unproductive and undermines my confidence and belief in myself.

 

It seems to be empowering for her to feel like she has complete control over everything in her life, but for me it’s not empowering at all – it’s exhausting and discouraging.  

 

The tricky part about believing you are the creator of your life.

 

Now I totally believe that the healthiest way to lead your life (to get WAY more of what you want and feel empowered) is to believe that YOU are the creator of your life.

 

Meaning, you can shift and alter your life according to what you believe (and often you have to change those beliefs to actually get what you want). Some beliefs are stopping you from having what you desire.

 

I also want to add an AND – a BIG AND.

 

You aren’t doing it alone; there is so much you can’t see.

 

In fact, scientists say that in any moment your brain is actually only retaining 2% and 98% of what you’re experiencing will be lost.

 

What the human brain can comprehend and understand is a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of knowledge out in the world.

 

So, to think that we literally have control over everyone and everything is absurd.

 

We are co-creating with the cosmos, Universe, karma.

 

And for some of you that is REALLY helpful to hear.

 

It can feel like you don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders.

 

Your Lovework is to tell me in the comments over on the blog if you are struggling with trusting your choices in men. Have you ever considered dating a man you knew wasn’t right because you were afraid you would miss out on something better?

 

In love,

Agent Orange 

 

Dating Game

So here is a reflection blog . I took 90 days off dating to reach goals , but now I would like to reflect on dating in whole . 

I here the same thing from so many woman , so I'm going to talk about it now 

I'm not one for romance or sappy movie , I don't really care if I'm single for the rest of my life . Why ? Not because I'm a hero of any sort or too independent , I just was never that way . But if I found the right person I know I could be . 

Someone special , different , aggressive , funny , honest , and truly cares about getting to know me as a person . 

Will I settle for less no - why ? Because I know it's out there . I found it once and maybe just maybe I will again . 

Let's talk about the issues of dating . I personally hate it . Why ? Let's jot down a list . I urge you to grab a pen and make one too . Don't worry we're going somewhere with this . 

1. He's super hot - but no intelligence 

2. Hes super hot - but just wants to have fun 

3. He is everything you dreamed of but won't commit . 

4. He spends all his time talking to you tells you he can't be with out you - sleeps with you and bails .... 

5. He's really cool but no chemistry 

Are you exhausted yet ? 

Technology makes it easy for people to just keep finding the next best thing . It's shallow - so how do we know ? 

How do we know it's real ? 

I think people should get to know each other better , meet people in real life not online . 

Write down what your looking for , if it's not feeling right let them know and move on . 

I used to think I knew if someone was full of it , I'm pretty good at reading people but the rug has been pulled out from under me a few times . 

My advice is - don't ever settle 

Don't ignore red flags 

And don't look for it . Because Mr right will come along when you least expect it 

- Agent Orange 

Certainty

It's dark in my room , I'm listening to The Brand New : play crack the sky ... 

I haven't written in a while , so here I am . 

I think I want to touch on leaving and staying . 

If someone loves you , will they leave because it's what's best ? Or if someone loves you , do they find away to stay in your life ? 

These questions I know haunt many people . I think there's is a yes to both questions .  Maybe I'm wrong . I know if your reading this , you asked the question yourself . Maybe you have an answer . 

But the answer isn't in the question you see . It's inside you . 

What kind of love do you need ? 

Someone can love each other but if they can't be what you need them to be should they stay ? 

Or in true love do they fight to win your love and stay ? 

I will tell you , love means putting the other first . If that means walking away , you walk away . 

But like I said the answer is in you , the right love stays 

- Agent Orange 

Final Days

My 90 day journey ended a few days ago. The journey that began solely due to being tired of the way things were going in my life . I work 13-14 hours a day but wasn't making enough money , I was training with my trainer not hitting my goals and most importantly I felt I had nothing to offer someone in a relationship. I was tired and worn thin . 

I was not happy . I decided to drop dating and focus on my goals . Means put my head in the game . For 90 days no excuses . Am I exactly where I need to be at ? No . But did I push yes . 

My sales at work are almost doubled . I'm on my way on my health journey . Lost 9 pounds . Still going / 

What I've learned in 90 days has been mind blowing - little did I know it meant so much more . 

When something didn't work out be it dating or friendships or work , I told myself i was lacking . I wasn't enough . 

In my 90 days I learned if someone doesn't want you or it doesn't work then it's their loss really . It wasn't meant to be . I was enough . I began to be confidant .

In my confidence my sales grew , and so did my joy . 

I might not be at my goal line yet but I will be soon . I've worked hard to over come demons , learn to set boundaries , and know I'm worth it . That's the key . 

I was always strong , I always worked hard , but inside I was falling apart . 

I'm glad I did my 90 days - thank you Sarah for this idea we came up with . 

The best way to explain what I learned is I've become a pillar , and if you want to stand with me , we stand together , if you don't I will not fall ...... 

Thank you to you guys for being my friends and helping me through this . 

Love you all 

-Agent Orange 

Signs -

Those who dance are considered insane by those who don't hear the music - Nietzsche 

Nothing explains my next blog better than the line above . In fact this line is so true I might get it as my next tattoo - 

If you read my blog on twin flames and it makes no sense to you , then this might seem " insane " as well -  

Sometimes when something profound happens to us we get to hear things on a higher vibration , ( energy ) 

Have you met someone you had the connection with ? Not just a " connection" , as in same likes , back ground , not even love at first sight . This is deeper . 

Soul at first sight - where you can read them inside and they read you - it's not about lust or games it's just eye to eye the window of the soul . It's more than love - it's everything in one moment . You know them . To read more on this read my last blog post - 

This one goes a little deeper - 

So you connect to them right ? You feel there pain . You know when something is wrong . So what if their across the city ? The state ? The country ? 

Your not speaking for x y z reason - you get over whelming feeling in your chest out of no where , of them good or bad .

Can you feel each other ? Can we have conversations in our hearts and send our energy to them ? Can they feel it ? 

You think I'm crazy ? The brain is powerful tool . I was at a life course seminar and watched strangers do it to each other - why couldn't your deepest connection ? 

Heard of mothers intuition ? Had a feeling a friend would call and the phone rang ? 

Thought of someone and ran into them ?

I believe in one God yes , I do believe he is in control , yes . But - I believe in the power of energy , and brain . To think is to create . 

I can't prove what I know is to be true - 

But I do know I have had a sense of panic and wrote him an email and next day I was right on with what he was going through . Happened so many times - 

Ive been guided by it in decisions . It sounds " insane "? 

Read this line again and think for a moment - 

Those who dance are considered insane by those who don't hear the music - Nietzsche 

Do you hear the music ? 

- Agent Orange 

Deeper than soul mate - twin flames

I have a very heavy topic to speak of . Will I ruffle some feathers ? May even lose friends and cause many conversations amongst the  young and the old .This topic is cause for great concern and critism , I will write from my own experience - add in excerpts from doctors , and most of all you may find  your self getting angry , but as you get angry - 

Maybe just maybe you may find I am right . So let me take a moment to put on my head phones , plug in my charger and take you on my journey .

I recently had a conversation with a close girlfriend of mine who said ," Amy , we have many soul mates ". She said ," don't limit yourself ". 

I used to believe this - I used to be a cinic 

I'm not saying she is a cinic . So here me out . I was at work last week , I sparked a conversation they said , " Amy , there is no such thing as a soul mate !" I felt sad inside . But just not long ago I was one of them . So let's start back to the beginning . 

All of these people are married . So keep this thought in mind . 

I want to keep this train going in the right direction so stay with me - 

Before we go further let's look at what a true soul mate is first ok . 

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are."

Ah, soulmates. The epitome of love and partnership. In our fast-paced chaotic world, which boasts all sorts of different people, we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we'd like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks. 

Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There's a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart's other half and a life partner -- a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit. 

Most of us remain in life-partner relationships because we "settle," for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, we may have a real subconscious fear of being alone. And since we're biologically designed to fall in love, it's only natural that we pair up in this world. But we sometimes prolong what are meant to be temporary relationships and mistakenly settle into them for good. There are relationships which must last for a certain period of time to close out a karmic chapter of life, relationships in which we're meant to have children with our partner but not necessarily remain with them, and relationships which are just plain confusing because a melting pot of emotions doesn't allow us to see our predestined path. 

from couples who married their childhood loves to people in their retirement years who still struggle with commitment issues. Most of us fall somewhere between these two extremes, meaning that we experienced several relationships before finding the person we believe to be our perfect pairing. Whether you're currently married, in a relationship, or contemplating entering a relationship with a new love interest, it is crucial that you know what role this person will play in your life. After all, there's no avoiding the inevitable, often uncomfortable question we must ask ourselves: Is this the person I was bound by destiny to share my life with? Or did I settle too quickly into a relationship with someone who can never complete me? 

No matter the category you fit into to, there are several indications which clearly outline a soulmate bond (or a lack of bond) between you and your partner. As you go through this list, think about your partner or potential partner and evaluate whether they meet the soulmate criteria.

So here are the questions : 

1. It's something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It's a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass.

2. Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives. Soulmates often choose to come back together during the same lifetime and scope each other out in the big world. You might suddenly and briefly experience flashbacks of your soulmate. You might even feel an odd sense of déjà vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago, perhaps in a different setting. 

3. You just get each other. Ever met two people who finsh each other's sentences? Some people call that spending too much time together, but I call it a soulmate connection. You might experience this with your best friend or your mother, but it is the telltale sign of a soulmate when you experience it with your partner. 

4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other's imperfections. Your relationship is more likely to be a soulmate match if you both love each other exactly as you each are, accepting both the great and awful tendencies we all have. 

5. It's intense. A soulmate relationship may be more intense than normal relationships, in both good and sometimes bad ways. The most important thing is that, even during negative episodes, you're focused on resolving the problem and can see beyond the bad moment.

6. You two against the world. Soulmates often see their relationship as "us against the world." They feel so linked together that they're ready and willing to take on any feat of life, so long as they have their soulmate by their side. Soulmate relationships are founded on compromise and unity above all else.

7. You're mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates.

8. You feel secure and protected. Regardless of the gender of your partner, he or she should always make you feel secure and protected. This means that if you're a man, yes, your woman should make you feel protected, too! Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate. 

9. You can't imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can't imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for.

10. You look each other in the eye. Soulmates have a tendency to look into each other's eyes when speaking more often than ordinary couples. It comes naturally from the deep-seated connection between them. Looking a person in the eye when speaking denotes a high level of comfort and confidence.

Whether you're designed by the universe to be soulmates or two loving people who have settled for each other's strengths and weaknesses, the decision is yours. The beauty of free will is that you can remain in or change any relationship as you see fit. To be with your soulmate is one of the precious treasures of life. And if you feel you've found your heart's other half, I wish you endless days of joy and laughter, and countless nights of deep embrace, unraveling the mysteries of the universe one by one. 

Soul mate or twin is something that is true and real . Sometimes like stated above if we marry young or settle its not because we found that spiritual twin connection , sadly it's found later in life it causes confusion . But it doesn't make it less real . This isn't about lust . 

I myself only experienced it once in life . It wasn't even to the person I married . I thought I loved in life until I experienced this . You feel what they feel , you just get them . It truly is a twin flame . 

My point is if you have found it no matter what your circumstance , be happy it's out there  .....