Heart Of The Matter

It's Monday my heart is racing my medicine isn't by working and I'm listening to the used . Poetic justice I think it's called . I apologize for editing error , I'm writing on my cell phone to say how I'm blessed each day I'm alive . Every day I pray that my hearts ok . No one knows what's wrong all I know is it races to a high rate , all by its self . I cut sugar and caffeine . I'm to young for this , now I know what a gift life is . What matters and what doesn't . When your praying you will just live another day , things come into perspective real fast . I tell people I love them , I cherish my friends and family and I try not to regret anything . And fight my hardest for my kids and just pray everything will be alright . My message to you is not to take life for granted


Agent Orange

Tomorrow

I don't believe in New Years resolutions . They are rediculous . Every resolution is to live every day to go after what I want , not to want it once a year . I think it's a hallmark day for gym memberships . Tonight I watched my daughter play in her new princess tent I Suddenly started to smell something burning my heart felt like it was skipping beats and I felt sick . I had this weird feeling come over me and I saw the room become black . I thought , was I having a stroke ? What the hell was going on . I began to pray in case I died as I grew more sick and the room became more black . I ran into my moms room told her I was having a stroke or something . It continued to get worse .  My heart rate went from 60 to 100 . I was having a seizure . I began to cry . I'm so tired of these breaking moments, one minute with my daughter the next in fear . I sit here now my head is killing me .

I don't have a new years resolution except just to be healthy and to live for my kids . And to do anything it takes to just live in the moment with them .

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to , the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seuzure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My data I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .

Tonight

The fit bit - you may have heard of the trendy device , it reads your heart rate , tells you sleep patterns and your excersise steps . Seems trivial but let me tell you how it saves my life every day .
Even better how it did just moments ago . I sat up in my bed , I began to feel sick , my heart rate was 85 a little high for laying in bed at 11 it's usually 65. I began to feel warm I couldn't breathe . I began to panick , panick because I couldn't breathe . I looked down at my fit bit it read 130 as my heart raced through my chest , and of course it was blinking I needed to charge it , fantastic right now !
I felt like I was going to be sick ! I got up turned the heater off , grabbed water and took heart medicine to slow my heart rate . I threw my fit bit on the charger for a moment and my heart raced harder . I knew I was going to die . I scrambled to find my phone to call 911 . I couldn't find it any where . I put my fit bit back on to only watch my heart climb one beat per minute more and more with each breath . I was crying , I knew at that moment there was nothing I could do , where was my phone ? I knew I was having a seizure . Every moment I live with my phone on me and now it's gone

With in 15 minutes of crying I saw my heart rate finally decline , I felt like I had the worst flu of my life and I feel lucky to be alive every time . Thank god I found this fit bit , that can tell me my heart rate when to take my medicine and when I may be having a seizure . If anyone you know has seizures but one it could save them too

Emergency Room

It's cold in here and I thank the Lord for cell phones to help the 4 hour wait . I'm surrounded by the hurt and the sick here at Lima Linda ER . No need to be alarmed . I've had this horrible pain in my ear for a month with no sign of infection it has gone into my eye and neck . The urgent care Dr sent me here . With all the issues from my accident from my brain and my back I sit here and wait to make sure I'm ok . Usually it's something , today I pray it's nothing .

Today is a great time to write about humanity . I'm reminded every day as I watch hate spread like wild fire through social media in this election and people believe it's justified , the bullying on school campuses , or even the de humanization of woman .

It's funny to think I was talking with a gentleman who is in the navy he seemed nice , he asked me on a date , promised he was not like other guys he was looking for a relationship , then in the same breath he asked if he could go down on me . I was so disappointed in this guy . I erased him from existence and cried alone in my bed . Over him ? No . Over the fact that why can't we be treated as mere humans as people . Much less a woman . Made me sad .

What does it take to grow empathy and compassion in our communities ? What as leaders or parents can we do to practice this in our homes and work places ?

I challenge all of you to practice integrity today . Stop turning your back on what is right .

-Agent Orange

Protect Your Happiness

It's Friday morning , I woke up with this pounding headache , I quickly made coffee and it's slowly subsiding . I tend to write on here only when I found something life changing to share , like you I don't like to waste my time reading boring rants . We're all human I think many of us struggle with the same obsticals . This morning I received a voice mail from an old friend this voicemail encouraged me to write this blog .

I'm going to change gears for a moment , on social media we see quotes and some are meant to inspire some are meant to quickly scroll past with out any further thought . A few weeks ago I saw a post that said protect your happiness . This was so profound to me because this is the one thing I did not do . I put everyone before me and regardless of how it hurts me my friends needs go first even if their toxic or just takers . I needed to learn the word no and to protect my happiness and my heart .


So let's get back to the voice mail . I had dated someone who then disappeared and then kept popping in and out of my life . It happens we all have those people I suppose , but this one would call drunk and be horribly mean and rude blame me for his problems in life . I felt Aweful for him I would just be there and then he left every time he got a new girl friend .

To me this wasn't a very good friend at all . After a few years of this , I deleted him from my life , guess who left a message this morning ? Yes . Blaming me for ending our friendship and drunk  again?

This blog isn't about men or dating . This is just an example , so don't get me wrong it's about protecting your happiness and your heart in any situation . Jobs , friendships , relationships , know your worth . You are more than this and the right people will get your love .

-Agent Orange

Control

It's 12:42 am . I'm up for a reason and I never write about me impartially but tonight I want to share something important . I have no idea how to gather my thoughts in order so please forgive me . It's dark in my room and I'm alone . I like to think I have control over my day , my attitude , and my outcomes . But I learned the hard way we can't control everything . This is not a statement on me as a victim , this is one thing I am not

But to help others aware of what many people go through . 

And right now I never felt so alone . When I was 12 I was in an accident where I almost died . I was riding a horse that went out of control , I almost flew through the windshield of a car but instead my head was smashed on a huge rock . Slamming my brain so hard it bled . 

When I was 28 I began to feel like I was having heart attacks , no one knew what was wrong , Dr 's mocked me told me I was lying , making it up . Night after night rushing to hospital I was laughed at . 

Finally I saw a neurologist out of La Jolla who did a brain scan and I found out I was having seizures . Partial seizures . They control your nervous system , especially your heart . Not to mention they cause the fear of death . I began my journey on horrible medicines like topamax that cause memory loss . 

You know how many times I lost my way home ? Lost my words ? I couldn't drink either anymore . I mean it's fine I did my partying well enough up to this point but I became the boring friend . What was happening to me I had no control over 

There is not a soul who can understand what I go through , so I'll fast forward to tonight . 

I woke up out of a dead sleep my heart pounding , my body shaking and everything in you tells you , this time I'm going to die . It's not a maybe it's a fact 

So I begin to cry . I'm alone in my bed literally knowing this is it . It's a nightmare after 15 min it passes and I'm ok .  

What I go through seems like a tragedy over and over again. Not one friend not one person from work , gets it . Have you ever felt that way ? 

It's 1 am I'm alone writing this blog and no one in the world gets what I go through . Am I a victim ? No . I'm a fighter . So are you . I can't control what I have it's the left over damage caused by a terrible accident . And I lay here wishing I didn't have to fight anymore . How much more can I take ? 

I wrote this so people can have a better understanding and love for what others go through . Everything isn't what it always seems , people go through stuff it hurts and sometimes there all alone . 

What ever it may be , have compassion for others . Let them in .

-Agent Orange