Protect Your Happiness

It's Friday morning , I woke up with this pounding headache , I quickly made coffee and it's slowly subsiding . I tend to write on here only when I found something life changing to share , like you I don't like to waste my time reading boring rants . We're all human I think many of us struggle with the same obsticals . This morning I received a voice mail from an old friend this voicemail encouraged me to write this blog .

I'm going to change gears for a moment , on social media we see quotes and some are meant to inspire some are meant to quickly scroll past with out any further thought . A few weeks ago I saw a post that said protect your happiness . This was so profound to me because this is the one thing I did not do . I put everyone before me and regardless of how it hurts me my friends needs go first even if their toxic or just takers . I needed to learn the word no and to protect my happiness and my heart .


So let's get back to the voice mail . I had dated someone who then disappeared and then kept popping in and out of my life . It happens we all have those people I suppose , but this one would call drunk and be horribly mean and rude blame me for his problems in life . I felt Aweful for him I would just be there and then he left every time he got a new girl friend .

To me this wasn't a very good friend at all . After a few years of this , I deleted him from my life , guess who left a message this morning ? Yes . Blaming me for ending our friendship and drunk  again?

This blog isn't about men or dating . This is just an example , so don't get me wrong it's about protecting your happiness and your heart in any situation . Jobs , friendships , relationships , know your worth . You are more than this and the right people will get your love .

-Agent Orange

Control

It's 12:42 am . I'm up for a reason and I never write about me impartially but tonight I want to share something important . I have no idea how to gather my thoughts in order so please forgive me . It's dark in my room and I'm alone . I like to think I have control over my day , my attitude , and my outcomes . But I learned the hard way we can't control everything . This is not a statement on me as a victim , this is one thing I am not

But to help others aware of what many people go through . 

And right now I never felt so alone . When I was 12 I was in an accident where I almost died . I was riding a horse that went out of control , I almost flew through the windshield of a car but instead my head was smashed on a huge rock . Slamming my brain so hard it bled . 

When I was 28 I began to feel like I was having heart attacks , no one knew what was wrong , Dr 's mocked me told me I was lying , making it up . Night after night rushing to hospital I was laughed at . 

Finally I saw a neurologist out of La Jolla who did a brain scan and I found out I was having seizures . Partial seizures . They control your nervous system , especially your heart . Not to mention they cause the fear of death . I began my journey on horrible medicines like topamax that cause memory loss . 

You know how many times I lost my way home ? Lost my words ? I couldn't drink either anymore . I mean it's fine I did my partying well enough up to this point but I became the boring friend . What was happening to me I had no control over 

There is not a soul who can understand what I go through , so I'll fast forward to tonight . 

I woke up out of a dead sleep my heart pounding , my body shaking and everything in you tells you , this time I'm going to die . It's not a maybe it's a fact 

So I begin to cry . I'm alone in my bed literally knowing this is it . It's a nightmare after 15 min it passes and I'm ok .  

What I go through seems like a tragedy over and over again. Not one friend not one person from work , gets it . Have you ever felt that way ? 

It's 1 am I'm alone writing this blog and no one in the world gets what I go through . Am I a victim ? No . I'm a fighter . So are you . I can't control what I have it's the left over damage caused by a terrible accident . And I lay here wishing I didn't have to fight anymore . How much more can I take ? 

I wrote this so people can have a better understanding and love for what others go through . Everything isn't what it always seems , people go through stuff it hurts and sometimes there all alone . 

What ever it may be , have compassion for others . Let them in .

-Agent Orange 

When is it worth it

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 

This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange 

No Dating

So I'm trying to find decent music so my blog can flow , Deftones isn't cutting it . Perhaps the Killers will do tonight . 

My blogs are always honest and its me on paper . I think this is the only place my gaurd is down . Hopefully I can help someone out there . So it's 10:15 pm and the Killers are playing by head phones , ( guess what , they suck right now to ) hold on while I change this . 

Ok The Used - poetic tragedy . Puts me at ease . Are you ready ? I wanted to talk about dating . Honestly I hate it . With all my heart and soul and guts and anything else I can throw in the dating blender . 

I'll tell you why . You can tell me if you relate . 

1. Am I pretty enough ? Is my outfit right?

Will he like me ? 

2. Did I do ok ? Was I pretty enough ? Will he kiss me ? Do I care ? Will he call again ? 

3. Why is he ignoring me ? Why is he needy ? No I don't want to be your girlfriend this fast . Can I find someone interested in me ? I write , would you even read it ? 

So stressful . I never was too interested in a relationship . I like being single . Single girls are considered whores . Yes I been called a slut and a whore . 

So here is where it gets almost so funny 

Why is a girl a whore because she doesn't want a boyfriend ? Because I date ? Sorry to be disgraceful but I'm not opening legs , for every guy I go out with 

And I think my real exciting life of work and Raigan gives me no time to see anyone . 

So what is one to do ? What is the point of this blog ? I'll tell you . 

2 years ago I loved truly for the first time 

I met him and that was it . I never believe this love existed or that I could ever even feel this way . 

I truly believed he was the one . Even though we parted , I have the standard of finding this again , and to never settle for less , so what is it you ask is the answer 

I'll tell you , I'm not a hopeless romantic 

The right person will feel right , they will read my writing , they will want to know me . 

And we will be friends . When he calls me beautiful it will be because he knows me and earned it .  

We will hang out and have fun , it will be seamless , it will just happen . He won't find me , we will find each other . 

No I don't want to date , I want us to hop in my car , and see where it leads us . 

Because life is passion and if it's not don't waste your time . I don't . I'm constantly moving in and out , weaving through seams of people . 

Because I'm a whore ? Because I'm emotionally unavailable ? No . 

That's where there all wrong . You see and that's ok . 

I'm looking for the Lightning . And if it's going to be , then we will grasp fingers and not be able to let go . 

Cheers to new adventures and one day find love again . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes of Your Enemies

Listening to Sleep - Azure Ra . Raigan is safely sleeping under my arm . It's 10:30 pm . The one thing I need to reach out to you with my own broken fingers is an intamate message to all of you . 

Why enemies aren't really enemies and why I will make this blog understandable. 

I'm sure we have all encountered a horrible cheating person , a liar , someone who is angry or bullies you , someone who talks bad about you to skew others perception wrongly . Your thinking hmmm Amy these are bad people , sometimes the harsh black and white of life is grey ...... 

Let me explain while you stream some music . Ready ? 

Remember my last blog on perception and how some people are a little handicap in seeing past there own selves to really hear you . 

Let's break this down , most people who are tyrants are in pain , or they are projecting their own issues on you . 

The miserable person in their personal life may be so insecure they tear you down maliciously . They hate your joy , your light , your selflessness . 

Story time : believe me I have hundreds 

I knew a guy who was so evil to me you wouldn't believe how evil if I told you . 

I also knew it wasn't me . He was depressed , angry , alcoholic . For some reason he was or acted most hateful to me . I didn't know why . 

The one thing we have to remember is we can't control or change anyone . 

Back to this guy , I'll call him John . 

John made my life hell every day . But I wanted to see the good in John , somewhere in life he was robbed , hurt and here he was . 

Although I didn't need to be his friend or let him walk on me I never changed who I was in spite of his anger or rage . 

One day he got himself into a very bad place , he was drunk and police came to take his kids . He was in a public place . 

John hit rock bottom , I knew he loved his girls . I called him the next day offered my help . After that day there was a profound change in how he treated me 

We became great friends and still friends for over 5 years . This didn't happen because I deserved a pat on the back or did anything great , I treated him like a person , with love and with out judgement . I learned the biggest blessing of all why God says to love our enemies . We began to love one another 

What shoes do they walk in on there journey ? We don't know . 

There will always be people who aren't what we thought , or loved us how we wanted them too , but don't become them in the process . 

Look at your enemy as a child standing in front of you , the small child looks different now . Love your enemies . 

Don't become one yourself . Let them talk , let them leave . It's not easy , but don't become what they expect you to be . 

Don't lose your light . Because darkness has never become light with more darkness . Only light can dissipate darkness . And what a blessing some of these friendships have become . 

Story 2- I had this guy 10 years ago call me horrific names every day . I had no idea why . He tore me apart , my looks my character everything I was . 

One day he pulled me aside and began to cry . He apologized for what he had done wrong . Said he really loved me but didn't know how to act . I was dumb founded . Not only did I become friends with him but his entire family . I was even at his dad's funeral . 

Am I saying to put up with abuse ? No 

What I'm saying is life never is as it seems 

Always believe in yourself be a safe place for others . Never lose your light . 

Cling on to what is good , get rid of the rest . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes

It's 8:40 am - I would give anything to be in Carlsbad right now over looking the ocean . Wouldn't you ? There's a restraunt there called Kings Fish House there is nothing better . 

As for now I sit in my mini writing to you, music streaming . If anyone wants to save me , please do . 

I was thinking a lot about how we veiw others , how others perceive us and how perception becomes a reality . Not yours but maybe your audience in whole . 

This isn't about me it's about us . I think it's accumulative knowledge that we see others based upon how we see the world most importantly how we are . 

It's seems simple , but we are not aware of this pattern of thinking , this is how it gets complicated . 

Let me take you some where . Your sitting in a beautiful house , over looking a vast ocean . You sit and watch for hours . Never taking your eyes off the sun rise , the waves , breathing in the salty air 

It's what we see and it's our reality . 

What happens if you walked to the back and viewed through a different window ?

You see something different ? Experience something different ? Your view has changed . 

We judge people based on their appearance , right ? Nothing frustrates me more than not being taken seriously because of blonde hair and tattoos . 

I'm edgy , I'm immature , I am shallow . 

What ever the case may be I lose my voice . People lose there voices every day due to judgement or someone's false perception of you based on their way of thinking . 

Can you control this ? No . Do I really care what others think or if they like me 

No . I'm me , if someone doesn't want to take the time to hear me or see me that's their loss . 

But being viewed based on perception 

Is something that can make you lose on good relationships . Stepping outside of your box and thinking differently , it's a way to read other people stories , based on their experience , not yours . 

So what's the point of this blog ? 

To see others based on them not you 

Talk to people , learn more about others 

Most of all love your enemies . I've learned the most from being selfless and loving those who have wronged you . 

Look out a different window today . 

Carpe Diem 

- Agent Orange 

Perception

Foo fighters ever long streams through my car this morning , I'm an hour early for work . I wait alone here in the parking lot . This month has been hard , working 6 days a week , takes a toll on you . I find myself thinking when will my big break come . Yes , there are none in life , but maybe just one . I suppose I've had a few in my life , maybe I didn't take them when I should've . I don't regret the winded path it's led me on to where I sit in this car that hardly works but is fighting til the end much like myself - 

So here this story goes , why is happiness a perception . 

And how Amy can we change our perceptions ? Good question . 

Every morning I leave Starbucks I see a homeless man sitting in his car . Rusted and blue missing all its paint . The man is worn from life's regrets , he is dirty and tired . But none of that matters when he is sitting in front of Starbucks every morning . Why you are wondering ..... 

There he sits , coffee and old cell phone in hand waving it around trying to catch the free wifi Starbucks offers from his car 

You can see the joy on the mans face 

A peaceful moment . 

Us Americans , we find happiness in plastic surgery or expensive cars . We set goals to become rich and to attain wealth 

When it's not achieved people commit suicide . 

Perception . 

I once did financial advising , home loans 

I had a man call me , he was sobbing , he had lost everything . He killed himself on the phone . My job as an advisor a counselor , to consol him at that moment was to tell him things will get better . 

His perception that all his happiness was in his things . 

Third world countries rely on just finding food and water as a daily goal . They have no understanding what a selfie is or fake lips or boobs or eating disorders . 

Yet we bullie and harass one another on appearance because we are not happy within ourselves . 

What's your perception ? Is it keeping you from the big picture ? 

If we generated happiness into giving 

And loving , instead of into things or ideas then happiness would become tangible . 

Not just a perceived idea of what is mine what I need what you need keeps us divided . 1 out 3 Americans are on medication for depression . 1 out of 5 suffer from obesity . This is an internal problem . 

Where is our joy ? 

My best moments in life are from family and friends , from great leaders lending a helping hand or people showing unconditional love . 

Don't base your happiness on 1 thing . 

Yes set goals of course . Strive to be your best , be successful . 

But don't make it your identity . 

Be you . Be different . Smile . 

Agent Orange