Fact V Fiction

Today's blog is based on words vs actions ..... 

I'm faced with one of my best friends grimaced text of finding out her boyfriend is cheating . But let's take this conversation by the hand and take a walk for a moment . I'd like to captivate you , this isn't about cheating at all . 

What got me was a month ago a friend of mine I had a crush on for 6 months touted about integrity and canceled on a date because he was out of town , but in deed I knew he was a meer 30 min away cozy with his girl friend . So what does this blog boil down down to ? 

Any one can give lip service . You can promise me your not this or not that . 

But when a person says one thing but does another - for me that's an exit out .

Not just relationships but friendships . 

Trust is the glue that bonds every foundation . 

What happens when a foundation is shattered ? 

If you love me show me . Don't just say it.

If you like someone don't lie or do whatever it takes to follow through on a promise . 

We're all human no one is perfect of course . But if your saying one thing and doing another that's an issue . 

- Agent Orange 

Science behind - love at first sight

I'm listening to Love is Love by Stereo Alchemy love this song . As a writer the one thing I'm not to perfect at writing about is romance . Why ? Maybe I'm not that overly romantic mushy girl who spends Saturday's watching chick flicks or reading 50 shades of grey . I've always been more of a Tom boy , who likes to be a bit vampy . I'm more a little intellectual and sometimes a little blonde and quirky.

But What I never knew was love at first sight . I didn't believe in it at all , I mocked love and everything hallmark . But I know now , I was wrong . I can only hope to find that love again and hold its virtual hand . 

The science behind love at first sight is tricky . So listen close . Come closer . 

We go on mindless dates with expectations and get let down one after another after another . 

It's not their fault it's ours . Let me explain . We go on a date unknowingly carrying fears and hurt from the past we are guarded . We go out with walls . We are quick to judge and get rid of new people.

Our joy and adventure is lost . We haven't mourned our past . 

Think for a moment if you walked in a room saw a beautiful girl but had no worries of her hurting you ? Cheating ? Lying ? You were free to feel ? Get to know each other , be happy ? 

Love at first sight ? Your open . Your heart is open . Imagine 2 people walk in a room . Not letting the past dictate their future , 2 magnates attracted to each other . No walls . A rare moment . 

Love at first sight . Courage at first sight .

Why should every wound keep you from being whole again ? 

So many of us single , we don't sleep at night because we're afraid of the games,  of the let downs . Or can we be open to what can happen . Because the more courage you have the less pain there will be . 

- Agent Orange 

Courage

In 2 weeks I'll be 37 . Although I'm pretty happy with who I am inside I still have 2 goals to complete this year . 20 pound weight loss goal , and getting my own place . These two goals are close in accomplishment sometimes it's like sand slipping through fingers and sometimes as a single mom it's a struggle for my life. I don't know what it means to go out and have fun , have a boyfriend who who loves me or even have a simple bath with out a 3 year old yelling mom every 3 minutes . My stress level is more than through the roof . At work I finally broke down in tears , like that 3 year old little girl . With no one in the world to save her.

No one . No knight and shinning armor , no lightning from above pouring money from the sky . My friend from work marina said don't worry God will save you . In her Russian accent . I said when ? 

As the proverbial  walls come crashing down as well as my hard earned strength does as well . 

Will it come ? My dreams are so simple .

So today I decide to give those dreams to God and use my courage instead .

- Agent Orange

Kindness -

Warm under blankets fresh out of the shower , I was pondering today's blog . I'm listening to Jason Walker - Echo . Although it's not doing it for my creative mind so I'm changing it . Ender by Finch is better . 

I want to press upon acts of kindness . This past few weeks I've been under so much stress that 2 days ago I felt my heart just harden . All in all enough was enough in disappointments as they racked up faster than any football game . 

I was - defeated . Have you felt this way?

I try to win at all cost , rise above the storm , give my whole heart and - in an instant - failure . 

Your mood changes . Even the sweet laughter of my daughter couldn't break it.

A sweet woman at my work Marina did a kind act for me that day . In the middle of my work day and in an instant my hard heart disapated into ash . 

Did it solve my slow work week ? A break up ? My car working then not working ?

No . But did it make me forget ? Yes . 

Do you agree in small acts of kindness ?

For me it is the friend on facebook who surprises me at work with coffee on a bad day . Or a friend checking on how you are . A kind smile , a word of encouragement . 

How far can kindness go ? For your friends , family , customers and yes , even enemies . 

Try it in everything you do , you will be causing smiles every where and maybe one less tear 

- Agent Orange 

The Real Fight

I've never been " that girl " who has to be married or in a relationship . On the flip side though , I think I may be single forever . I'm turning 37 in 2 weeks . You see those people so happy in love , I'm left to wonder was I the cursed one ? 

What am I doing wrong ? 

Do I need you , him , or them ? No . But I'll tell you , it would be nice to find the best friend . 

The one who can open his heart , the one who won't pass out , disappear , or be a complete asshole and wonder why you won't call him back ....

After this sex in the city post of a girl living in a city of no sex , seems luck is running out on quality . 

Yes I see those Facebook filtered glamour pictures I'm not jealous of your quantity of men you bring home . I said quality . 

I get these pats on the back , don't worry Amy you will find him . 

I'm a pretty bad ass chick . Seems a lot of girls are in the same boat . 

Me and my girlfriends are not looking forward to being 80 playing bingo and wondering where our fish pool went 

- Agent Orange 

What Is Love

I imagine being in a small cafe in Paris , the clouds are grey it's cold . The crowd is buzzing around outside , and I am writing to you as I look at the Eiffel Tower .

The subject what is love ?

Love was something that was skewed to me since child hood . I imagine I lived a life not knowing what love meant until I was older .

The bible says love is patience , kindness , goodness , forgiving , takes no accounts of wrongs . Love over comes all things . Even a multitude of sin .

That is powerful .

Love is : feeding the homeless . Loving a friend no matter what . Apologizing for your past .
Love is unconditional never leaving and staying through the pain .

Love is reaching within someone else and loving them for how they need . Not just giving what's easy . Love is giving chances .

Love is acts of kindness and understanding . It's empathy .

This is love

- Agent Orange

Class is In

So I'm laying here at 11pm , in my bed . My precious daughter tucked under my arm and today begins to disapate in her warmth . I'm guided today to once again visit some things my dear loved ones are experiencing . I feel like I need to be your criminal here and break in your heads and rattle things up a bit ....

First go get a pen and paper . Go - I'm waiting . Don't roll your eyes at me either .
So you ready ?

Erase your other half out of your mind . They don't exist -

Write down everything you want In another person .
Then write down what you need from a relationship .
Example
Love
Sex
Gifts
Whatever it is write it down !!!!!

Let's introduce your other half . The one who isn't committing , the one who leaves you confused .
The one who gives you mixed messages .

Check off your list what that person gives you .
Are they available emotionally ? No ?

Well they can't exaxtly love you , can they ?
Are they filling your boxes ?

As hard as it is to write this -
Look in the mirror ? Go ! Look !!!!

Your pretty hot right ? Have a lot to give ? Right ?

Why are you waisting your time ?!!!! When you could have the whole list ?
Plus more ?!!!!

If you died tomorrow - who would be at your funeral ? What impact did they have on your life ?

You know exaxtly what to do , but you hold on to crumbs instead of going after the  whole pie .....

So -go make your dreams happen -

It's their loss

- Agent Orange