Courage

In 2 weeks I'll be 37 . Although I'm pretty happy with who I am inside I still have 2 goals to complete this year . 20 pound weight loss goal , and getting my own place . These two goals are close in accomplishment sometimes it's like sand slipping through fingers and sometimes as a single mom it's a struggle for my life. I don't know what it means to go out and have fun , have a boyfriend who who loves me or even have a simple bath with out a 3 year old yelling mom every 3 minutes . My stress level is more than through the roof . At work I finally broke down in tears , like that 3 year old little girl . With no one in the world to save her.

No one . No knight and shinning armor , no lightning from above pouring money from the sky . My friend from work marina said don't worry God will save you . In her Russian accent . I said when ? 

As the proverbial  walls come crashing down as well as my hard earned strength does as well . 

Will it come ? My dreams are so simple .

So today I decide to give those dreams to God and use my courage instead .

- Agent Orange

Kindness -

Warm under blankets fresh out of the shower , I was pondering today's blog . I'm listening to Jason Walker - Echo . Although it's not doing it for my creative mind so I'm changing it . Ender by Finch is better . 

I want to press upon acts of kindness . This past few weeks I've been under so much stress that 2 days ago I felt my heart just harden . All in all enough was enough in disappointments as they racked up faster than any football game . 

I was - defeated . Have you felt this way?

I try to win at all cost , rise above the storm , give my whole heart and - in an instant - failure . 

Your mood changes . Even the sweet laughter of my daughter couldn't break it.

A sweet woman at my work Marina did a kind act for me that day . In the middle of my work day and in an instant my hard heart disapated into ash . 

Did it solve my slow work week ? A break up ? My car working then not working ?

No . But did it make me forget ? Yes . 

Do you agree in small acts of kindness ?

For me it is the friend on facebook who surprises me at work with coffee on a bad day . Or a friend checking on how you are . A kind smile , a word of encouragement . 

How far can kindness go ? For your friends , family , customers and yes , even enemies . 

Try it in everything you do , you will be causing smiles every where and maybe one less tear 

- Agent Orange 

The Real Fight

I've never been " that girl " who has to be married or in a relationship . On the flip side though , I think I may be single forever . I'm turning 37 in 2 weeks . You see those people so happy in love , I'm left to wonder was I the cursed one ? 

What am I doing wrong ? 

Do I need you , him , or them ? No . But I'll tell you , it would be nice to find the best friend . 

The one who can open his heart , the one who won't pass out , disappear , or be a complete asshole and wonder why you won't call him back ....

After this sex in the city post of a girl living in a city of no sex , seems luck is running out on quality . 

Yes I see those Facebook filtered glamour pictures I'm not jealous of your quantity of men you bring home . I said quality . 

I get these pats on the back , don't worry Amy you will find him . 

I'm a pretty bad ass chick . Seems a lot of girls are in the same boat . 

Me and my girlfriends are not looking forward to being 80 playing bingo and wondering where our fish pool went 

- Agent Orange 

What Is Love

I imagine being in a small cafe in Paris , the clouds are grey it's cold . The crowd is buzzing around outside , and I am writing to you as I look at the Eiffel Tower .

The subject what is love ?

Love was something that was skewed to me since child hood . I imagine I lived a life not knowing what love meant until I was older .

The bible says love is patience , kindness , goodness , forgiving , takes no accounts of wrongs . Love over comes all things . Even a multitude of sin .

That is powerful .

Love is : feeding the homeless . Loving a friend no matter what . Apologizing for your past .
Love is unconditional never leaving and staying through the pain .

Love is reaching within someone else and loving them for how they need . Not just giving what's easy . Love is giving chances .

Love is acts of kindness and understanding . It's empathy .

This is love

- Agent Orange

Class is In

So I'm laying here at 11pm , in my bed . My precious daughter tucked under my arm and today begins to disapate in her warmth . I'm guided today to once again visit some things my dear loved ones are experiencing . I feel like I need to be your criminal here and break in your heads and rattle things up a bit ....

First go get a pen and paper . Go - I'm waiting . Don't roll your eyes at me either .
So you ready ?

Erase your other half out of your mind . They don't exist -

Write down everything you want In another person .
Then write down what you need from a relationship .
Example
Love
Sex
Gifts
Whatever it is write it down !!!!!

Let's introduce your other half . The one who isn't committing , the one who leaves you confused .
The one who gives you mixed messages .

Check off your list what that person gives you .
Are they available emotionally ? No ?

Well they can't exaxtly love you , can they ?
Are they filling your boxes ?

As hard as it is to write this -
Look in the mirror ? Go ! Look !!!!

Your pretty hot right ? Have a lot to give ? Right ?

Why are you waisting your time ?!!!! When you could have the whole list ?
Plus more ?!!!!

If you died tomorrow - who would be at your funeral ? What impact did they have on your life ?

You know exaxtly what to do , but you hold on to crumbs instead of going after the  whole pie .....

So -go make your dreams happen -

It's their loss

- Agent Orange

Closing Time

Tonight at work as we cleaned the showroom me and my gal pal Sarah talked about this whole thing called dating . It's all new for me , just began a few months ago . I've been single for 4 1/2 years by choice . The thought of dating strangers frightened me . My life has been bombarded with work , kids, gym and God . In no order of importance . I never have time for my friends or extended family it's aweful .

My friends urged me to go date , go go Amy they said . I've gone on a handful .  Some funny , some disasters , some disapointments . I'm fine being single , that's who I am . I've never been the girl to scribble his and hers names on scratch pads . I was the girl who mocked love at every turn and its existence .

Last year I fell , in love for first time , the for real kind of love . The details are not important , but it turned me into a believer .

So here I am . It's 10 pm after work , we're talking about dating . And this is the skinny on it . It's not about the guy really . You spend so much time on the right out fit , exc to find in the end your date is you !!!!

With every date we learn more about our selves . Don't we ? What we want , don't want . I've made good friends in the process and met some people with real issues . But all in all you got to enjoy the journey even though it's hard . Keep yourself open . Everyone teaches us something about ourselves .

In the process you just might meet that person . Who makes it all make sense , and the looking is over.

I've been hurt , yes. I've had fun , but I know my path .
Cheers to us . Open your heart -

Agent Orange

Jaded

I'm kind of obsessed with the new song from Fast and Furious 7 ( see you again ) . It's playing its sweet song into my headphones now as I write this blog .

My blog is about being jaded and desensitized to others . We're so used to being stepped on , used , broken by life . How can we open our hearts to strange new people ? I'm one I know to take my own advice I know . Don't be so gaurded they tell me . I think it's perfectly ok to be gaurded but be open and listen . Listen to people . What do I know ? My true love isn't with me , I have best friends who loved me and deceived me . Life happens . It's not about the world around you , it's about you . Be clear In what you are looking for . It is then you will find the diamonds .
And diamonds stay forever .

Trust God for the answers . Open your heart and pray for the path you should take

- Agent Orange