lighter side

So I haven’t posted on Agent Orange since last year ! My relationship blog has suffered since I been in a relationship go figure . Now that I’m not in one but not interested in dating ever I still love him so nothing I can do about that . What I can tell you is I went against every rule in my relationship book . Where did it get me ? Alone ? So this proves my book is awesome . But what I also learned is things aren’t always black and white . I loved him more than anyone and I showed who I was to him 100 % never have I done this ever . Even though lies broke us apart in the hard reality I think in the good and bad I saw him too . So it was real . I don’t know what the future holds but all I know is it was real . And thank God , God is involved .

Things are not easier at all . What else is new . I’ve kept myself busy in the gym and work and prayer
Lots of prayer . I pray more than ever . I’m surrounded by a small group of great friends . God is blessing me . Although I cry in my day I find joy to in my blessings . I truly love my job . I’ve never felt this before either . My friends tattoo guy will do my other sleeve for only 600 bucks ! And he’s an amazing artist . I’m worried for my heart with stress it’s been bad .

I lose inches every week my diet going strong I’m dedicated to over all being the best I can be .

It’s really all I can do right now . Be the best mom , best Christian , good sales person , good to my friends , and good to my soul right now .

I hope things are better by Christmas it’s my favorite holiday . I’m excited to take Raigan out of town for her birthday . We need it . As agent orange , I say trust in God’s plan he will take care of what we can’t . Even though it hurts , I believe in my heart eventually it will be ok

- Agent Orange

Air Planes

It's 9:59 PM . I have not written a fresh new blog in a while . I'm listening to No Other Love by Chuck Prophet . We all know I have to find the perfect song to fit the mood right ? It's dark in my room , just got home from a very long commute , my daughter is fast asleep next to me . I thought about going to the movies but I'm not quite in the mood so here I am writing to you my precious audience . I think what I have to say I may have said so many times before , but maybe just maybe you are sitting in your room too , so move over so I can sit with you and tell you something about love .

I'm no expert on many things but matters of the heart I'm quite good at . I wrote last year that some times love isn't enough . That is true . But let's take it deeper , we can't save any one either . Have you ever loved someone so much you thought you could take away there pain ? Maybe even save them ? Make them whole and healthy and full of joy ? Man that is a lot to carry on your shoulders isn't it ?

You can't take on someone else's pain , and do you . You will fall into there open wounds and be in pain yourself . Have you ever been on an air plane ? What's the first thing they tell you to do in an event of an emergency ? To put your oxygen mask on . Then put it on the person next to you . Why ? What good are you if your dead ? Same in relationships . If you are saving someone and giving them the oxygen they will take from you as you die , right ? How is that healthy ? Or loving ? When you take the oxegyn away , they say give it back ?!!!! Ummmm hello I'm dying here .

People need to be whole and healthy to be able to give to you in a real way . They need to take care of themselves , and you can breathe right ? Love is two people filling the jar of life together .

You might love them so much your dying for them ,  but they aren't loving you . It's selfish . Love isn't enough . This is not love that is give and take .

You have to leave that situation no matter how hard it is . You can't be abused , you are deserving of you air .

Never ever settle . Someone who loves you with there whole heart will never put you in such a position . No one is perfect true . But no one is to take your air . You are not life support for a dreary world . You are a light .

And when you leave they won't be sorry they killed you , they'll be sorry they lost your mask .
Chose wisely .

-Agent Orange

Plastic Society

It's Thursday , I wanted to write about something I think a lot of us deal with every day . It's 6:04 P.M. this week I been searching and grasping at a way to hate myself a little less , to be able to stand up tall in who I am . This shrinking coward of who I have become is not me, I've been branded into something much bigger and stronger than this . How did I get so small ? And how do I find me again ? 

I know every thing stems from roots right , mine weren't so  great . I began my young life in abuse , in the beginning I learned I wasn't enough . I had to be perfect to be loved or to be lovable. 

I would tear pictures from magazines of models and tape them to my walls , staring and studying each one . How do I become like them so someone would love and accept me ? 

In high school I began doing drugs and running every day . Anything to be thin . 

As I grew older I became obsessed with the gym , I had several plastic surgeries that only ruined my body , and pursued every drug that could make me thin ! 

How could I reach it ? What would it take . I had eating disorders and at laxatives like candy . I was skinny and dying . But yet it still wasn't enough . 

I woke up one day and realized I needed to trust God and killing myself was not worth the worlds love. Because none of it brought me the perfect man , the perfect house or any dream I really had . 

It just brought men who wanted sex and that was the very opposite of what I was in search for . I was an orphan to love . What did it mean ? 

I'm not writing this for sympathy . I'm writing this to reach others out there just like me . Who may get dressed in the dark like I do , because I can't face myself in a mirror , or feel like people are staring at me because of my ugly looks . 

So what is the answer ? I know I need to believe in what God says about me not the world . That I've been sold a lie . 

But every day it's hard , it's a battle . Instagram and Facebook are covered in girls who have fake boobs , fake butts , fake lips , fake hair , what do I have to do to compete with so many woman . 

Would a man love me ? Could he ? Could I love me ? 

I'm not sure what the answer is , I just know there is one . And there is hope for all of us who deal with these things . We need to be brave . And believe in Gods love for us and everything he made was beautiful and complete . 

-Agent Orange 

Sent from my iPhone

Love Project

It's Monday night . 5:32 PM . I'm listening to No Other Love , by Chuck Prophet . It reminds me of my favorite movie PS I Love You . It's to warm outside and my mood is all but melancholy and I'm confused about Love . I'm confused because the ones I loved the most let me down . In return this leaves the burning question in my heart of what is real , and what love is . I remembered some years going back , I walked into a restaraunt after a long day at work . My hair haphazard in a hat , worn and tired , feeling disheveled and unattractive . I sat waiting for my table and the manager looked over at me , I looked at him - it was instant connection . He asked me out , he told my sister he thought I was a 10. We went out over a year . Things were pretty perfect until I unlocked my door to my condo , he was sitting on my couch in my house talking to his ex girlfriend about getting back together . You can guess the ending of that story. So I asked what is Love ?

I think it was some years later when I met someone who was my ultimate love . Love at first sight , love at everything . He was everything I thought Love was . I never doubted his love for a second , I would've given my life on his word it was so perfect , and he just walked away . What is love ?

I think collectively on experiences as a whole , a whole meaning when we give our whole heart to a lie ? Or was it something different ? Was it Love but broken in some way ? So how do you know if your own heart is telling you the truth about anything ?

I can be with someone who can't give emotionally but says they love me is that love ?
I go back to the movie PS I Love You . I hate romantic movies but this one I've watched 3000 times because it reminds me of real love and the kind of love I look for . Eternal , unconditional love .

I know that I need someone I admire , envy , someone I look up to . Want to be like . Someone who protects me from harm , not someone I'm afraid will harm me . It's not that I'm looking for the perfect guy . Because we all have flaws . But I need to be able to look to you , to be a hero sometimes , to be strong . Stronger than me . An anchor for this ship .

I don't know what love is exactly . But I do know what I need . I know love is unconditional , it's giving your heart and searching out there's .

- Agent Orange

Have You Ever Wondered

It's 9:05 am it's Friday . No music today . I heard my pastor talk Sunday about Gods love and how he will not fail us . Even though I know this is true , God has never failed me even when I deserved nothing , it's times like this where some moments just go dark . Don't get me wrong I'm no victim . I fight even as the ship is sinking . I lay here in my bed thinking when is enough / enough . I lose my job because of a disgusting boss, someone hits my new car , and I lose an important relationship all in one month . I try to look at the positive . What is supposed to be ? I ask God what's my purpose ? Does it get better ? I always think everything happens for a reason . But why can't everyone who said they loved us really love us ? Maybe they don't know how ? Why can't we just take a pill and everything can just be as it should ? I have amazing friends . I try my best in any relationship to give more than what I have . I work hard at my job . Why do bad things happen ? Or why can't more good things happen ? I'm writing this blog because today I'm in a dark place . I'm aware there will be a rainbow at some point but how do I manage to sustain the journey when all seems lost ?

Are we fighting for no reason ? Does anyone really care ? I'm struggling to stay above water , not to lose it and cry . But I know I have to get up today and try again . Maybe there is a niricale waiting today . I don't know . Maybe there is one for you . I think I ask myself why can't I find unconditional love ? Why can't I find that perfect job ?

Every day I invest it's for nothing ? Where does all the love and care and hard work go . Is there a karma fairy who will one day come down and say everything from now on will be easy .

I don't know . Today is my dark day , no music , no smiles . But I guess the best part is in the believing that one day , it will all be ok .

- Agent Orange

Last Straw

I definitely haven't written here for a while . Maybe this time I'm reaching out to you . Only the people I care for the most will read this . I'm not the person who thrives on attention . I do my job , take care of my daughter , I don't party , I don't get to do most of the things people do as a single mom , but that's ok . I think I've come to a point in my life where I think of suicide . I think that I work so hard to get a different life and it's not changing . I live in hell . How do I end the fact that no one really cares , except my daughter . She is all I have . Everyone else wants something from me .

I feel like crying in a corner , I'm defeated . When most my friends call me the fighter what happens when there is no more fight . Fight to pay bills , fight for love , fight for my health . It's all failing .

I'm in such a dark place with out hope . God he is my hope he's saved me in everything my entire life but where is he now ? I haven't forgetton God is with me this is why I won't commit suicide he is my reason . But what do you do when your fighting with no wins ?

I've been swept under the floor like meaningless trash . By everyone that says I mean something to them . How do you live ? How do we keep going

Agent Orange

Traveling

I saw him there in the corner . It was dark and concerning like the scars stitched ever so perfectly and kept in the small creases around his eyes . He sat there quietly every day . I tried to get his attention but his stare it never wavered . I thought maybe the way I watched him might have been pretensous , but i couldn't help wonder . What caused his pain . The window outside was warm and the sun welcomed his sad face . I thought about sending him a letter or a shot of whisky . I thought about saying hello but I did none of those things . I knew he found me familiar , I played him a song instead
I waited for days and days I kept going back to see the man who never moved , never faultered . He became a shadow to my mere existence , I began to do things to make him go .

Why was he here ?

I filled the room with more men . I thought maybe the noise would upset him . But still nothing . The men came and went . Days passed into months , months passed into years .

One day he gave me a picture . It was of me , of me and him . He stood silent . Never saying a word .
As tears streamed down my face , I turned the picture around and read a note on the back . It was hard to read and old . It said I love you . I wasn't sure if the note was meant for me , because the man said nothing .

I wanted to leave at once . But how could I leave something that was part of me , that was me .
He sat back down in the corner . I walked out side . Knowing I would never travel far . Waiting

Heart Of The Matter

It's Monday my heart is racing my medicine isn't by working and I'm listening to the used . Poetic justice I think it's called . I apologize for editing error , I'm writing on my cell phone to say how I'm blessed each day I'm alive . Every day I pray that my hearts ok . No one knows what's wrong all I know is it races to a high rate , all by its self . I cut sugar and caffeine . I'm to young for this , now I know what a gift life is . What matters and what doesn't . When your praying you will just live another day , things come into perspective real fast . I tell people I love them , I cherish my friends and family and I try not to regret anything . And fight my hardest for my kids and just pray everything will be alright . My message to you is not to take life for granted


Agent Orange

Tomorrow

I don't believe in New Years resolutions . They are rediculous . Every resolution is to live every day to go after what I want , not to want it once a year . I think it's a hallmark day for gym memberships . Tonight I watched my daughter play in her new princess tent I Suddenly started to smell something burning my heart felt like it was skipping beats and I felt sick . I had this weird feeling come over me and I saw the room become black . I thought , was I having a stroke ? What the hell was going on . I began to pray in case I died as I grew more sick and the room became more black . I ran into my moms room told her I was having a stroke or something . It continued to get worse .  My heart rate went from 60 to 100 . I was having a seizure . I began to cry . I'm so tired of these breaking moments, one minute with my daughter the next in fear . I sit here now my head is killing me .

I don't have a new years resolution except just to be healthy and to live for my kids . And to do anything it takes to just live in the moment with them .

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to , the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seuzure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My data I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .

Tonight

The fit bit - you may have heard of the trendy device , it reads your heart rate , tells you sleep patterns and your excersise steps . Seems trivial but let me tell you how it saves my life every day .
Even better how it did just moments ago . I sat up in my bed , I began to feel sick , my heart rate was 85 a little high for laying in bed at 11 it's usually 65. I began to feel warm I couldn't breathe . I began to panick , panick because I couldn't breathe . I looked down at my fit bit it read 130 as my heart raced through my chest , and of course it was blinking I needed to charge it , fantastic right now !
I felt like I was going to be sick ! I got up turned the heater off , grabbed water and took heart medicine to slow my heart rate . I threw my fit bit on the charger for a moment and my heart raced harder . I knew I was going to die . I scrambled to find my phone to call 911 . I couldn't find it any where . I put my fit bit back on to only watch my heart climb one beat per minute more and more with each breath . I was crying , I knew at that moment there was nothing I could do , where was my phone ? I knew I was having a seizure . Every moment I live with my phone on me and now it's gone

With in 15 minutes of crying I saw my heart rate finally decline , I felt like I had the worst flu of my life and I feel lucky to be alive every time . Thank god I found this fit bit , that can tell me my heart rate when to take my medicine and when I may be having a seizure . If anyone you know has seizures but one it could save them too

Emergency Room

It's cold in here and I thank the Lord for cell phones to help the 4 hour wait . I'm surrounded by the hurt and the sick here at Lima Linda ER . No need to be alarmed . I've had this horrible pain in my ear for a month with no sign of infection it has gone into my eye and neck . The urgent care Dr sent me here . With all the issues from my accident from my brain and my back I sit here and wait to make sure I'm ok . Usually it's something , today I pray it's nothing .

Today is a great time to write about humanity . I'm reminded every day as I watch hate spread like wild fire through social media in this election and people believe it's justified , the bullying on school campuses , or even the de humanization of woman .

It's funny to think I was talking with a gentleman who is in the navy he seemed nice , he asked me on a date , promised he was not like other guys he was looking for a relationship , then in the same breath he asked if he could go down on me . I was so disappointed in this guy . I erased him from existence and cried alone in my bed . Over him ? No . Over the fact that why can't we be treated as mere humans as people . Much less a woman . Made me sad .

What does it take to grow empathy and compassion in our communities ? What as leaders or parents can we do to practice this in our homes and work places ?

I challenge all of you to practice integrity today . Stop turning your back on what is right .

-Agent Orange

Protect Your Happiness

It's Friday morning , I woke up with this pounding headache , I quickly made coffee and it's slowly subsiding . I tend to write on here only when I found something life changing to share , like you I don't like to waste my time reading boring rants . We're all human I think many of us struggle with the same obsticals . This morning I received a voice mail from an old friend this voicemail encouraged me to write this blog .

I'm going to change gears for a moment , on social media we see quotes and some are meant to inspire some are meant to quickly scroll past with out any further thought . A few weeks ago I saw a post that said protect your happiness . This was so profound to me because this is the one thing I did not do . I put everyone before me and regardless of how it hurts me my friends needs go first even if their toxic or just takers . I needed to learn the word no and to protect my happiness and my heart .


So let's get back to the voice mail . I had dated someone who then disappeared and then kept popping in and out of my life . It happens we all have those people I suppose , but this one would call drunk and be horribly mean and rude blame me for his problems in life . I felt Aweful for him I would just be there and then he left every time he got a new girl friend .

To me this wasn't a very good friend at all . After a few years of this , I deleted him from my life , guess who left a message this morning ? Yes . Blaming me for ending our friendship and drunk  again?

This blog isn't about men or dating . This is just an example , so don't get me wrong it's about protecting your happiness and your heart in any situation . Jobs , friendships , relationships , know your worth . You are more than this and the right people will get your love .

-Agent Orange

Control

It's 12:42 am . I'm up for a reason and I never write about me impartially but tonight I want to share something important . I have no idea how to gather my thoughts in order so please forgive me . It's dark in my room and I'm alone . I like to think I have control over my day , my attitude , and my outcomes . But I learned the hard way we can't control everything . This is not a statement on me as a victim , this is one thing I am not

But to help others aware of what many people go through . 

And right now I never felt so alone . When I was 12 I was in an accident where I almost died . I was riding a horse that went out of control , I almost flew through the windshield of a car but instead my head was smashed on a huge rock . Slamming my brain so hard it bled . 

When I was 28 I began to feel like I was having heart attacks , no one knew what was wrong , Dr 's mocked me told me I was lying , making it up . Night after night rushing to hospital I was laughed at . 

Finally I saw a neurologist out of La Jolla who did a brain scan and I found out I was having seizures . Partial seizures . They control your nervous system , especially your heart . Not to mention they cause the fear of death . I began my journey on horrible medicines like topamax that cause memory loss . 

You know how many times I lost my way home ? Lost my words ? I couldn't drink either anymore . I mean it's fine I did my partying well enough up to this point but I became the boring friend . What was happening to me I had no control over 

There is not a soul who can understand what I go through , so I'll fast forward to tonight . 

I woke up out of a dead sleep my heart pounding , my body shaking and everything in you tells you , this time I'm going to die . It's not a maybe it's a fact 

So I begin to cry . I'm alone in my bed literally knowing this is it . It's a nightmare after 15 min it passes and I'm ok .  

What I go through seems like a tragedy over and over again. Not one friend not one person from work , gets it . Have you ever felt that way ? 

It's 1 am I'm alone writing this blog and no one in the world gets what I go through . Am I a victim ? No . I'm a fighter . So are you . I can't control what I have it's the left over damage caused by a terrible accident . And I lay here wishing I didn't have to fight anymore . How much more can I take ? 

I wrote this so people can have a better understanding and love for what others go through . Everything isn't what it always seems , people go through stuff it hurts and sometimes there all alone . 

What ever it may be , have compassion for others . Let them in .

-Agent Orange 

When is it worth it

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 

This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange 

No Dating

So I'm trying to find decent music so my blog can flow , Deftones isn't cutting it . Perhaps the Killers will do tonight . 

My blogs are always honest and its me on paper . I think this is the only place my gaurd is down . Hopefully I can help someone out there . So it's 10:15 pm and the Killers are playing by head phones , ( guess what , they suck right now to ) hold on while I change this . 

Ok The Used - poetic tragedy . Puts me at ease . Are you ready ? I wanted to talk about dating . Honestly I hate it . With all my heart and soul and guts and anything else I can throw in the dating blender . 

I'll tell you why . You can tell me if you relate . 

1. Am I pretty enough ? Is my outfit right?

Will he like me ? 

2. Did I do ok ? Was I pretty enough ? Will he kiss me ? Do I care ? Will he call again ? 

3. Why is he ignoring me ? Why is he needy ? No I don't want to be your girlfriend this fast . Can I find someone interested in me ? I write , would you even read it ? 

So stressful . I never was too interested in a relationship . I like being single . Single girls are considered whores . Yes I been called a slut and a whore . 

So here is where it gets almost so funny 

Why is a girl a whore because she doesn't want a boyfriend ? Because I date ? Sorry to be disgraceful but I'm not opening legs , for every guy I go out with 

And I think my real exciting life of work and Raigan gives me no time to see anyone . 

So what is one to do ? What is the point of this blog ? I'll tell you . 

2 years ago I loved truly for the first time 

I met him and that was it . I never believe this love existed or that I could ever even feel this way . 

I truly believed he was the one . Even though we parted , I have the standard of finding this again , and to never settle for less , so what is it you ask is the answer 

I'll tell you , I'm not a hopeless romantic 

The right person will feel right , they will read my writing , they will want to know me . 

And we will be friends . When he calls me beautiful it will be because he knows me and earned it .  

We will hang out and have fun , it will be seamless , it will just happen . He won't find me , we will find each other . 

No I don't want to date , I want us to hop in my car , and see where it leads us . 

Because life is passion and if it's not don't waste your time . I don't . I'm constantly moving in and out , weaving through seams of people . 

Because I'm a whore ? Because I'm emotionally unavailable ? No . 

That's where there all wrong . You see and that's ok . 

I'm looking for the Lightning . And if it's going to be , then we will grasp fingers and not be able to let go . 

Cheers to new adventures and one day find love again . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes of Your Enemies

Listening to Sleep - Azure Ra . Raigan is safely sleeping under my arm . It's 10:30 pm . The one thing I need to reach out to you with my own broken fingers is an intamate message to all of you . 

Why enemies aren't really enemies and why I will make this blog understandable. 

I'm sure we have all encountered a horrible cheating person , a liar , someone who is angry or bullies you , someone who talks bad about you to skew others perception wrongly . Your thinking hmmm Amy these are bad people , sometimes the harsh black and white of life is grey ...... 

Let me explain while you stream some music . Ready ? 

Remember my last blog on perception and how some people are a little handicap in seeing past there own selves to really hear you . 

Let's break this down , most people who are tyrants are in pain , or they are projecting their own issues on you . 

The miserable person in their personal life may be so insecure they tear you down maliciously . They hate your joy , your light , your selflessness . 

Story time : believe me I have hundreds 

I knew a guy who was so evil to me you wouldn't believe how evil if I told you . 

I also knew it wasn't me . He was depressed , angry , alcoholic . For some reason he was or acted most hateful to me . I didn't know why . 

The one thing we have to remember is we can't control or change anyone . 

Back to this guy , I'll call him John . 

John made my life hell every day . But I wanted to see the good in John , somewhere in life he was robbed , hurt and here he was . 

Although I didn't need to be his friend or let him walk on me I never changed who I was in spite of his anger or rage . 

One day he got himself into a very bad place , he was drunk and police came to take his kids . He was in a public place . 

John hit rock bottom , I knew he loved his girls . I called him the next day offered my help . After that day there was a profound change in how he treated me 

We became great friends and still friends for over 5 years . This didn't happen because I deserved a pat on the back or did anything great , I treated him like a person , with love and with out judgement . I learned the biggest blessing of all why God says to love our enemies . We began to love one another 

What shoes do they walk in on there journey ? We don't know . 

There will always be people who aren't what we thought , or loved us how we wanted them too , but don't become them in the process . 

Look at your enemy as a child standing in front of you , the small child looks different now . Love your enemies . 

Don't become one yourself . Let them talk , let them leave . It's not easy , but don't become what they expect you to be . 

Don't lose your light . Because darkness has never become light with more darkness . Only light can dissipate darkness . And what a blessing some of these friendships have become . 

Story 2- I had this guy 10 years ago call me horrific names every day . I had no idea why . He tore me apart , my looks my character everything I was . 

One day he pulled me aside and began to cry . He apologized for what he had done wrong . Said he really loved me but didn't know how to act . I was dumb founded . Not only did I become friends with him but his entire family . I was even at his dad's funeral . 

Am I saying to put up with abuse ? No 

What I'm saying is life never is as it seems 

Always believe in yourself be a safe place for others . Never lose your light . 

Cling on to what is good , get rid of the rest . 

- Agent Orange 

Eyes

It's 8:40 am - I would give anything to be in Carlsbad right now over looking the ocean . Wouldn't you ? There's a restraunt there called Kings Fish House there is nothing better . 

As for now I sit in my mini writing to you, music streaming . If anyone wants to save me , please do . 

I was thinking a lot about how we veiw others , how others perceive us and how perception becomes a reality . Not yours but maybe your audience in whole . 

This isn't about me it's about us . I think it's accumulative knowledge that we see others based upon how we see the world most importantly how we are . 

It's seems simple , but we are not aware of this pattern of thinking , this is how it gets complicated . 

Let me take you some where . Your sitting in a beautiful house , over looking a vast ocean . You sit and watch for hours . Never taking your eyes off the sun rise , the waves , breathing in the salty air 

It's what we see and it's our reality . 

What happens if you walked to the back and viewed through a different window ?

You see something different ? Experience something different ? Your view has changed . 

We judge people based on their appearance , right ? Nothing frustrates me more than not being taken seriously because of blonde hair and tattoos . 

I'm edgy , I'm immature , I am shallow . 

What ever the case may be I lose my voice . People lose there voices every day due to judgement or someone's false perception of you based on their way of thinking . 

Can you control this ? No . Do I really care what others think or if they like me 

No . I'm me , if someone doesn't want to take the time to hear me or see me that's their loss . 

But being viewed based on perception 

Is something that can make you lose on good relationships . Stepping outside of your box and thinking differently , it's a way to read other people stories , based on their experience , not yours . 

So what's the point of this blog ? 

To see others based on them not you 

Talk to people , learn more about others 

Most of all love your enemies . I've learned the most from being selfless and loving those who have wronged you . 

Look out a different window today . 

Carpe Diem 

- Agent Orange 

Perception

Foo fighters ever long streams through my car this morning , I'm an hour early for work . I wait alone here in the parking lot . This month has been hard , working 6 days a week , takes a toll on you . I find myself thinking when will my big break come . Yes , there are none in life , but maybe just one . I suppose I've had a few in my life , maybe I didn't take them when I should've . I don't regret the winded path it's led me on to where I sit in this car that hardly works but is fighting til the end much like myself - 

So here this story goes , why is happiness a perception . 

And how Amy can we change our perceptions ? Good question . 

Every morning I leave Starbucks I see a homeless man sitting in his car . Rusted and blue missing all its paint . The man is worn from life's regrets , he is dirty and tired . But none of that matters when he is sitting in front of Starbucks every morning . Why you are wondering ..... 

There he sits , coffee and old cell phone in hand waving it around trying to catch the free wifi Starbucks offers from his car 

You can see the joy on the mans face 

A peaceful moment . 

Us Americans , we find happiness in plastic surgery or expensive cars . We set goals to become rich and to attain wealth 

When it's not achieved people commit suicide . 

Perception . 

I once did financial advising , home loans 

I had a man call me , he was sobbing , he had lost everything . He killed himself on the phone . My job as an advisor a counselor , to consol him at that moment was to tell him things will get better . 

His perception that all his happiness was in his things . 

Third world countries rely on just finding food and water as a daily goal . They have no understanding what a selfie is or fake lips or boobs or eating disorders . 

Yet we bullie and harass one another on appearance because we are not happy within ourselves . 

What's your perception ? Is it keeping you from the big picture ? 

If we generated happiness into giving 

And loving , instead of into things or ideas then happiness would become tangible . 

Not just a perceived idea of what is mine what I need what you need keeps us divided . 1 out 3 Americans are on medication for depression . 1 out of 5 suffer from obesity . This is an internal problem . 

Where is our joy ? 

My best moments in life are from family and friends , from great leaders lending a helping hand or people showing unconditional love . 

Don't base your happiness on 1 thing . 

Yes set goals of course . Strive to be your best , be successful . 

But don't make it your identity . 

Be you . Be different . Smile . 

Agent Orange 

When Your Fallen

There's those times when we seem like giving up on hope and faith , when things get dark and shadows close in . Just remember not to forget where you came from , the battles you faced and won , the roads you walked alone , and around the bend victory is waiting . Because the ones who walk away weren't meant to strive with you and the ones who make it will die with you and those are the ones who matter most . 

Take heart -