lighter side

So I haven’t posted on Agent Orange since last year ! My relationship blog has suffered since I been in a relationship go figure . Now that I’m not in one but not interested in dating ever I still love him so nothing I can do about that . What I can tell you is I went against every rule in my relationship book . Where did it get me ? Alone ? So this proves my book is awesome . But what I also learned is things aren’t always black and white . I loved him more than anyone and I showed who I was to him 100 % never have I done this ever . Even though lies broke us apart in the hard reality I think in the good and bad I saw him too . So it was real . I don’t know what the future holds but all I know is it was real . And thank God , God is involved .

Things are not easier at all . What else is new . I’ve kept myself busy in the gym and work and prayer
Lots of prayer . I pray more than ever . I’m surrounded by a small group of great friends . God is blessing me . Although I cry in my day I find joy to in my blessings . I truly love my job . I’ve never felt this before either . My friends tattoo guy will do my other sleeve for only 600 bucks ! And he’s an amazing artist . I’m worried for my heart with stress it’s been bad .

I lose inches every week my diet going strong I’m dedicated to over all being the best I can be .

It’s really all I can do right now . Be the best mom , best Christian , good sales person , good to my friends , and good to my soul right now .

I hope things are better by Christmas it’s my favorite holiday . I’m excited to take Raigan out of town for her birthday . We need it . As agent orange , I say trust in God’s plan he will take care of what we can’t . Even though it hurts , I believe in my heart eventually it will be ok

- Agent Orange

Air Planes

It's 9:59 PM . I have not written a fresh new blog in a while . I'm listening to No Other Love by Chuck Prophet . We all know I have to find the perfect song to fit the mood right ? It's dark in my room , just got home from a very long commute , my daughter is fast asleep next to me . I thought about going to the movies but I'm not quite in the mood so here I am writing to you my precious audience . I think what I have to say I may have said so many times before , but maybe just maybe you are sitting in your room too , so move over so I can sit with you and tell you something about love .

I'm no expert on many things but matters of the heart I'm quite good at . I wrote last year that some times love isn't enough . That is true . But let's take it deeper , we can't save any one either . Have you ever loved someone so much you thought you could take away there pain ? Maybe even save them ? Make them whole and healthy and full of joy ? Man that is a lot to carry on your shoulders isn't it ?

You can't take on someone else's pain , and do you . You will fall into there open wounds and be in pain yourself . Have you ever been on an air plane ? What's the first thing they tell you to do in an event of an emergency ? To put your oxygen mask on . Then put it on the person next to you . Why ? What good are you if your dead ? Same in relationships . If you are saving someone and giving them the oxygen they will take from you as you die , right ? How is that healthy ? Or loving ? When you take the oxegyn away , they say give it back ?!!!! Ummmm hello I'm dying here .

People need to be whole and healthy to be able to give to you in a real way . They need to take care of themselves , and you can breathe right ? Love is two people filling the jar of life together .

You might love them so much your dying for them ,  but they aren't loving you . It's selfish . Love isn't enough . This is not love that is give and take .

You have to leave that situation no matter how hard it is . You can't be abused , you are deserving of you air .

Never ever settle . Someone who loves you with there whole heart will never put you in such a position . No one is perfect true . But no one is to take your air . You are not life support for a dreary world . You are a light .

And when you leave they won't be sorry they killed you , they'll be sorry they lost your mask .
Chose wisely .

-Agent Orange

Plastic Society

It's Thursday , I wanted to write about something I think a lot of us deal with every day . It's 6:04 P.M. this week I been searching and grasping at a way to hate myself a little less , to be able to stand up tall in who I am . This shrinking coward of who I have become is not me, I've been branded into something much bigger and stronger than this . How did I get so small ? And how do I find me again ? 

I know every thing stems from roots right , mine weren't so  great . I began my young life in abuse , in the beginning I learned I wasn't enough . I had to be perfect to be loved or to be lovable. 

I would tear pictures from magazines of models and tape them to my walls , staring and studying each one . How do I become like them so someone would love and accept me ? 

In high school I began doing drugs and running every day . Anything to be thin . 

As I grew older I became obsessed with the gym , I had several plastic surgeries that only ruined my body , and pursued every drug that could make me thin ! 

How could I reach it ? What would it take . I had eating disorders and at laxatives like candy . I was skinny and dying . But yet it still wasn't enough . 

I woke up one day and realized I needed to trust God and killing myself was not worth the worlds love. Because none of it brought me the perfect man , the perfect house or any dream I really had . 

It just brought men who wanted sex and that was the very opposite of what I was in search for . I was an orphan to love . What did it mean ? 

I'm not writing this for sympathy . I'm writing this to reach others out there just like me . Who may get dressed in the dark like I do , because I can't face myself in a mirror , or feel like people are staring at me because of my ugly looks . 

So what is the answer ? I know I need to believe in what God says about me not the world . That I've been sold a lie . 

But every day it's hard , it's a battle . Instagram and Facebook are covered in girls who have fake boobs , fake butts , fake lips , fake hair , what do I have to do to compete with so many woman . 

Would a man love me ? Could he ? Could I love me ? 

I'm not sure what the answer is , I just know there is one . And there is hope for all of us who deal with these things . We need to be brave . And believe in Gods love for us and everything he made was beautiful and complete . 

-Agent Orange 

Sent from my iPhone

Love Project

It's Monday night . 5:32 PM . I'm listening to No Other Love , by Chuck Prophet . It reminds me of my favorite movie PS I Love You . It's to warm outside and my mood is all but melancholy and I'm confused about Love . I'm confused because the ones I loved the most let me down . In return this leaves the burning question in my heart of what is real , and what love is . I remembered some years going back , I walked into a restaraunt after a long day at work . My hair haphazard in a hat , worn and tired , feeling disheveled and unattractive . I sat waiting for my table and the manager looked over at me , I looked at him - it was instant connection . He asked me out , he told my sister he thought I was a 10. We went out over a year . Things were pretty perfect until I unlocked my door to my condo , he was sitting on my couch in my house talking to his ex girlfriend about getting back together . You can guess the ending of that story. So I asked what is Love ?

I think it was some years later when I met someone who was my ultimate love . Love at first sight , love at everything . He was everything I thought Love was . I never doubted his love for a second , I would've given my life on his word it was so perfect , and he just walked away . What is love ?

I think collectively on experiences as a whole , a whole meaning when we give our whole heart to a lie ? Or was it something different ? Was it Love but broken in some way ? So how do you know if your own heart is telling you the truth about anything ?

I can be with someone who can't give emotionally but says they love me is that love ?
I go back to the movie PS I Love You . I hate romantic movies but this one I've watched 3000 times because it reminds me of real love and the kind of love I look for . Eternal , unconditional love .

I know that I need someone I admire , envy , someone I look up to . Want to be like . Someone who protects me from harm , not someone I'm afraid will harm me . It's not that I'm looking for the perfect guy . Because we all have flaws . But I need to be able to look to you , to be a hero sometimes , to be strong . Stronger than me . An anchor for this ship .

I don't know what love is exactly . But I do know what I need . I know love is unconditional , it's giving your heart and searching out there's .

- Agent Orange

Have You Ever Wondered

It's 9:05 am it's Friday . No music today . I heard my pastor talk Sunday about Gods love and how he will not fail us . Even though I know this is true , God has never failed me even when I deserved nothing , it's times like this where some moments just go dark . Don't get me wrong I'm no victim . I fight even as the ship is sinking . I lay here in my bed thinking when is enough / enough . I lose my job because of a disgusting boss, someone hits my new car , and I lose an important relationship all in one month . I try to look at the positive . What is supposed to be ? I ask God what's my purpose ? Does it get better ? I always think everything happens for a reason . But why can't everyone who said they loved us really love us ? Maybe they don't know how ? Why can't we just take a pill and everything can just be as it should ? I have amazing friends . I try my best in any relationship to give more than what I have . I work hard at my job . Why do bad things happen ? Or why can't more good things happen ? I'm writing this blog because today I'm in a dark place . I'm aware there will be a rainbow at some point but how do I manage to sustain the journey when all seems lost ?

Are we fighting for no reason ? Does anyone really care ? I'm struggling to stay above water , not to lose it and cry . But I know I have to get up today and try again . Maybe there is a niricale waiting today . I don't know . Maybe there is one for you . I think I ask myself why can't I find unconditional love ? Why can't I find that perfect job ?

Every day I invest it's for nothing ? Where does all the love and care and hard work go . Is there a karma fairy who will one day come down and say everything from now on will be easy .

I don't know . Today is my dark day , no music , no smiles . But I guess the best part is in the believing that one day , it will all be ok .

- Agent Orange

Last Straw

I definitely haven't written here for a while . Maybe this time I'm reaching out to you . Only the people I care for the most will read this . I'm not the person who thrives on attention . I do my job , take care of my daughter , I don't party , I don't get to do most of the things people do as a single mom , but that's ok . I think I've come to a point in my life where I think of suicide . I think that I work so hard to get a different life and it's not changing . I live in hell . How do I end the fact that no one really cares , except my daughter . She is all I have . Everyone else wants something from me .

I feel like crying in a corner , I'm defeated . When most my friends call me the fighter what happens when there is no more fight . Fight to pay bills , fight for love , fight for my health . It's all failing .

I'm in such a dark place with out hope . God he is my hope he's saved me in everything my entire life but where is he now ? I haven't forgetton God is with me this is why I won't commit suicide he is my reason . But what do you do when your fighting with no wins ?

I've been swept under the floor like meaningless trash . By everyone that says I mean something to them . How do you live ? How do we keep going

Agent Orange

Traveling

I saw him there in the corner . It was dark and concerning like the scars stitched ever so perfectly and kept in the small creases around his eyes . He sat there quietly every day . I tried to get his attention but his stare it never wavered . I thought maybe the way I watched him might have been pretensous , but i couldn't help wonder . What caused his pain . The window outside was warm and the sun welcomed his sad face . I thought about sending him a letter or a shot of whisky . I thought about saying hello but I did none of those things . I knew he found me familiar , I played him a song instead
I waited for days and days I kept going back to see the man who never moved , never faultered . He became a shadow to my mere existence , I began to do things to make him go .

Why was he here ?

I filled the room with more men . I thought maybe the noise would upset him . But still nothing . The men came and went . Days passed into months , months passed into years .

One day he gave me a picture . It was of me , of me and him . He stood silent . Never saying a word .
As tears streamed down my face , I turned the picture around and read a note on the back . It was hard to read and old . It said I love you . I wasn't sure if the note was meant for me , because the man said nothing .

I wanted to leave at once . But how could I leave something that was part of me , that was me .
He sat back down in the corner . I walked out side . Knowing I would never travel far . Waiting